It makes my blood boil when....

.... someone tells me that because I'm a foreigner life will be much easier for me in Ibiza!

This has just happened and I've had a very heated exchange with the person in question. I'm sat in the local internet cafe and some Spanish guy who I've spoken to before came in. He asked how things were going and I said "They're going well, I start work on Tuesday and I'm going to be writing a monthly interiors column for a magazine on the island". I then got the "oh life is much easier for you here because you're a foreigner!" 

Err no, both things have come about because I've made them happen! And I could have moved my life from London to anywhere in the world, things would have fallen into place, they always do. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect my life to magically fall into place but good things do seem to happen and I am eternally grateful for them. When it comes to work, I'm fiercely professional and demand incredibly high standards of myself. At times it's been a pain having such high expectations, sometimes I've thought that life would be so much easier if I could just settle for a slightly more normal kind of life. But I've always pushed myself with work because I wanted to see what my potential was, what I was capable of achieving. In my international relations career in London, I had a reputation for delivering projects at the highest level, even if I'd never done that sort of project before. Someone once suggested that perhaps I shouldn't always deliver and I looked at him as if he was completely mad!  

So it makes me quite furious when someone suggests that things have worked out because I'm a foreigner or I've had things handed to me on a plate (as someone once said and I promptly bit his head off!). For every single foreigner who "makes" it here, I'm sure there are five more who don't or who just scrape by, eeking out a living but preferring to live here than in their home country as the island is just so beautiful. 

I could go on and on about this topic but it will turn into a rant and I don't want to start ranting. However I will say this - yes, I've had some amazing opportunities in my life when it comes to work but if I hadn't been able to deliver on what was asked of me in the first instance, some of the better things that came along just wouldn't have materialised. I'm convinced that it's your attitude in life that helps you succeed - in the grand scheme of things, perhaps I shouldn't have achieved what I have considering I failed my A levels miserably the first time round and scraped through with a couple of passes the second time. But that taste of self-inflicted failure (I wasn't exactly studying hard at the time) was enough to show me that it wasn't a good feeling! I realised that it was up to me and me alone to make something of my life (or not) and I've just got on with things! Rant over!

The Magic of Facebook

Most of my family and friends are on Facebook. I use that more to keep in touch with people than email. I know some people can't bear the site but for me it works well. When family members first started contacting me on Facebook, I felt a bit nervous as it was as if my two worlds - family and friends - was about to collide. But seeing that some family members are like friends and some friends are like family, I've let them all sit happily side by side on Facebook.

This week Facebook has been particularly magical for me! I've found my first ever friend on Facebook - after about 27 years of no contact. Aylin and I lost contact when she moved to America, I think we were about 12 at the time. We'd gone to different schools at 11 so had been seeing less of each other anyway but for three years at Dulwich Hamlet Junior School we were best friends and if you saw one, you'd usually see the other. We met when we found ourselves sitting next to each other in Mr Phelps' class in the second year. I think we became instant friends. For me it was particularly important as I'd gone through nursery, infant school and a year of junior school without making any friends and I was starting to worry about why this was. Growing up with two sisters, I'd always had playmates and the need had never arisen to make friends. But once at school, I didn't seem to make friends - I had classmates who I could invite to birthday parties but I never felt like I had a best friend. Being a child prone to worrying about her world, this concerned me. Therefore I was obviously overjoyed when I found myself with a best friend!

I remember playing together a lot and sometimes getting into trouble together. There is one incident I vaguely remember when we both got sent out of Mr Phelps' class for giggling. It had been snowing outside and we had to wait out in it. One or both of us suddenly felt the urge to pee and had nowhere to go so we peed in the snow and watched it turn yellow. I think we both fell about laughing even more.

At the age of 11, we went off to different schools. Aylin went to James Allen Girls School and I got sent to Waverley. It was a traumatic time for me, not only being sent to a school away from my best friend but also to a school that I didn't want to go to, the local comprehensive where if you managed to leave at 16 without having 3 kids with as many dads, you were doing well! As for going to university, that was a dream that most Waverley girls didn't even consider - well you don't if your life consists of pushing a pram around on a south London estate. We kept in touch a bit once we changed schools but when she moved to America with her family, we lost touch.

Over the years, I've wondered how Aylin is, what she's up to. Every time I drove past her old house, I'd look at it and think of all the times I'd spent there. I always thought it would be lovely to find her again and catch up on all that she's been up to but I didn't know where she was or how to contact her. I've recently been in touch with another school friend from that time and it was so good catching up on our very different lives that I thought I'd look for Aylin again. A quick search on Google and a Facebook profile with the same name popped up. I sent her a message to find out if it was my best friend from childhood, fingers crossed hoping that it was. And today, when I logged on there she was going "OH MY GOD!" in her message! Which is exactly what I thought when I saw the message from her. I am absolutely overjoyed to have found my childhood friend - we've now got 27 years of catching up to do! I can't wait!

A furry five update

It's grey and rainy again today so little to do. There are a few bits of potential good news in the pipeline but seeing that I need to nail them all, I'm not going to talk about them yet. Instead an update on the kittens who are becoming more and more gorgeous by the day.

I love the "family photo" here with the two cats and all the kittens, although the black cat is Baggy their uncle, not their dad. I'm not sure what came over him, normally he's trying to steal Little Red's food and terrorise the kittens. But I walked into their room last Monday and there they all were, like one little happy family. He was being very caring, cleaning Little Red and helping to clean and look after the kittens. I think maybe he knew that Little Red was exhausted from looking after the brood and so he stepped in to help out, a bit of sibling support. But this lovely scene only lasted the day, by the next day he was back stalking the kittens, pouncing on them and generally scaring them!

The brood is doing well and they all have names now (that I've given them. New owners can change them of course). We've got Fluffy, Simba, Tyke, Lady and Splodge. I hope Lady is a girl otherwise he might have an identity crisis, although one of our cats in London was called Gina and he was a boy. There was a very good reason for this. 

We did have to make a trip to the vet's this week though. The kittens had an eye infection that needed treatment. It started off just looking like they had dirty eyes but it got steadily worse and they ended up with red watery eyes, or an eye glued shut or in the case of Tyke, both eyes glued shut. So I put all the kittens into the cat carrier, added in Little Red and off we went. Poor Little Red, she was so scared by the whole thing that she had an accident on the way there and as she had a dodgy belly, by the time we got to the vets, the inside of the cage, the kittens and Little Red were all covered in shit. And some of it leaked out into the van so this week I was cleaning cat poo, last week I was cleaning cat sick - as you can see, I'm leading quite a glamourous life!

Anyway, the kittens eyes are getting better and I have to apply eye cream to them every morning. The vet said they were doing well, although Little Red was completely exhausted from looking after them. They continue to get cuter and cuter and their antics keep me amused for hours. I'm going to keep one for myself - little Simba has won my heart  and he's going to be mine. That's him standing up in the photo. Although all the kittens are lovely and I'm happy to say they all have great personalities! Hopefully we should be able to find good homes for them without too much trouble but it seems to be kitten-season in Ibiza now and there are posters everywhere of kittens looking for homes. I've started weaning the kittens this weekend. They weren't really interested in the Whiskas kitten food that I put out for them so Little Red (and probably Baggy) polished that off. But when I gave Little Red some roast chicken, their little noses started twitching and before long, all five were scoffing little bits of roast chicken. Tyke was a little slow at eating, I think he's the youngest and generally gets pushed out of the way. But when I held little pieces of chicken up for him, he started eating scoffing like his siblings!

That's all on the kitten update - I'm sure I'll be writing about them again!  

Naturist spotted in our camino

This is the camino along which we live - you can see our house just on the right.

A couple of days ago, I'd been out doing errands and had to come back to the house to pick up the kittens and Little Red to take the whole family to the vet's. As I drove along our camino, I saw a man walking along further up. Our camino is very quiet, sometimes days go by without seeing another vehicle or person so you tend to notice anyone walking along.

It was quite a hot day and as I drove up towards the house, I looked at the man and thought "he's wearing shorts and a t-shirt the same colour as his tanned skin". As I got closer, I realised that he wasn't wearing a t-shirt, just shorts. A bit closer still and I realised he wasn't even wearing shorts, he was strolling along completely naked! 

By this point, he'd realised that a car was approaching so he jumped into the bushes and quickly pulled his shorts on. I'm used to seeing naturists in Ibiza, usually on the beaches but this was the first time I'd seen one strolling along a camino! 

Five furry bundles of joy!

We have kittens! Five of them to be precise - they are absolutely gorgeous. They were born three weeks ago to Little Red. I went off to meditate in Barcelona and Little Red's belly was huge. Poor little thing, she was only small herself and she ended up looking like she was wearing an enormous skirt. I was hoping they'd be born before I left but it was not to be. However, the night they were born, I had a dream about them being born so although it was nearly a week later that I found out they'd arrived, I'd already dreamt about them the night they made their debut.

The dad is Tom, the red tom cat that is often seen around the garden as he knows when our cats get fed. He likes to join in at breakfast time. Anyway, we've had the chance to get a look at him with all his hanging around and although he's a stray, he's a good-looking stray and has blessed our kittens with eyes that are deep blue in colour. 

Two of the kittens are red and white, the other three are all red. It's difficult to tell if they're boys or girls but you can see distinct personalities already. Two are quite adventurous, wanting to discover the world beyond the blankets and fortress of boxes that make up their home. Of the three red kittens, one is bold and confident and I think he may have been born first. I also think he's a boy. He never has to wait for a feed and is distinctly bigger (or maybe it's just fluffier) than his siblings. The other two red ones are smaller and remind me of Simba from the Lion King. One is a real scrapper, fighting his way to get a feed. You can always tell when he's pushing his way through from all the squealing. Sometimes I wonder whether we have piglets or kittens. 

One of the red and white kittens has been named Splodge by me. You can see Splodge in the photos, it's the one with three red splodges on his back. The kittens are a constant source of joy, seeing them develop day by day. They've got to the stage where they're starting to play fight with each other, tumbling around and biting. I don't think they'll do much harm, I haven't spotted any teeth yet. They're discovering their own paws and can now be seen with paws in mouths. Although Tom the dad has been keeping his distance, I think he did see them once when he went in to try and steal the extra food that we put out for Little Red. The only other cat who steals her food is her brother, the other cats are treating her and the babies with a degree of respect.

Although she's not even a year old herself, Little Red has made a fantastic mum and is doing a great job with the fabulous five. She has a routine that I'm sure any mum of five would quickly get in to. If the kittens are sleeping (and like most babies, they do sleep a lot), she'll go and wake them by quickly licking them on the top of the head. This soon rouses them from the deepest slumber and squeals of excitement follow. Next it's time for a feed and often fights ensue. I'm not sure why, there are six nipples and five kittens but inevitably someone doesn't like the position he's got so squeals in protest and tries to push someone out of the way for a better position. They usually have a long feed and then Little Red will put them all to sleep and stay with them a while. Then she's off, in search of food herself (this usually involves coming to find me and miaowing to let me know she's hungry). Once fed, she'll hang out around the house, leaving the kittens to sleep in peace but never being too far away in case they squeal in protest about something. Although it can't be easy looking after five little ones, she looks serene when she's feeding them. She's infinitely patient with them, even now they've started clambering all over her!

We have to find homes for them although I'd like to keep one for myself. Hopefully we'll find good homes for them without too much trouble. I'm sure their striking good looks and deep blue eyes will help them win the hearts of any prospective owners! They've certainly won us over!

  

Those damn adrenals!

The adrenal glands are small orange-coloured endocrine glands located on top of both kidneys. Triangular in shape, they measure about half an inch in height and three inches in length. They produce adrenaline and are affected by stress.

For things that are so small, my adrenals have caused big problems over the years. Well, I guess it's not their fault, I tend to do things that aren't exactly stress-free. For years, the stress of setting up and running a business played havoc with my adrenals who responded by playing havoc with my hormones. I spent a couple of years in and out of the doctor's surgery, trying to sort out what was going on to no avail. It was only when I started going to see a kinesiologist that the cause of my problems was identified. 

My adrenals are like my achilles heel, my personal weak spot. When placed under undue stress or faced with an unexpected stressful situation, my adrenals are likely to "pop". I only know because I start to feel quite strange and overly-sensitive to situations that occur. I had hoped that moving overseas and a very different quality of life would help with stress levels. And yes, being away from hectic city life suits me much better. But life carries on and there are still things that I worry about, no matter how idyllic the surroundings.

My adrenals have recently popped. I can't think of any particular event that caused them to go (at times I've known exactly when they've gone) but I guess the whole move has placed me under greater stress levels, although possibly a different kind of stress to the type I experienced living in London. Luckily the supplements I need to take to fix the adrenals are here with me and I've got to start taking them. I don't like taking them, it's like taking a pill for a horse and you have to bite them, as opposed to swallowing them. They taste like cat food. Not that I've actually tasted cat food, I'm guessing that cat food would taste like these pills. But they work, they fix my adrenals and they do it quite quickly.

Perhaps years of stress have permanently affected my adrenals, making them go pop quite easily. Well, that's how it feels. Or perhaps I put myself in far more stressful situations than most people. But I've found that the daily meditations have made a big difference in handling how I feel. So it's good to see the benefits of the meditations so quickly. I was trying to see if I could fix my adrenals just by meditation alone but I don't think it's going to work so cat-food flavoured horse pills it is!  

Vipassana Meditation - part two

I've done it, I've completed my first Vipassana meditation course! It was an amazing experience, quite possibly one of the best things I have ever done. It wasn't easy though but at least I didn't have any thoughts of wanting to leave during the course. 

The course was conducted at the Dhamma Neru centre, about an hour's train ride out of Barcelona - far away from the hustle and bustle of city life but not too far away in the sticks. 

After arrival and registration, we had a light evening meal, a talk about the course and what was expected of us and then our first meditation. We had to observe "Noble Silence" from that evening on. That meant no talking to anyone apart from the teacher or the manager and even then you had to whisper so as not to disturb anyone else. There was to be absolutely no communication between meditators and no eye contact. Men and women were completely segregated - the only time we were together was in the meditation hall but even then we sat on different sides, came in through different doors, even had different mats and blankets - everything was kept completely separate.

The next morning, we were woken at 4.00 by the sound of a gong being rung three times. The daily timetable was fairly similar for the ten days (apart from the last day), things starting or finishing by the sound of the gong being rung three times. We started our daily meditations at 4.30, with breakfast at 6.30. Over the course of the day, we'd meditate for just over ten hours. Before this, my meditation had been limited to no more than half an hour so it was quite a leap! The first few days, I couldn't sit in any position for longer than about five minutes as something would start hurting. This constant fidgeting and moving meant that I couldn't concentrate on the meditating. Then if I did find a position where I could sit still for a while, I found myself falling asleep! 

Although I struggled with the "sitting still" part of meditating in the beginning, I didn't find Noble Silence difficult to do. I think it helps if you're doing the course on your own - you don't know the other people so there's less temptation to want to talk to them. What was more difficult was to try and stop the incessant chattering going on in my head, particularly when I was trying to meditate. 

The days came and went and we were guided through the process of meditating. Being cut off completely from the outside world and all the days following a similar timetable meant that you soon lost track of what day it was, whether it was a weekday or the weekend. We lived like monks, moving silently from dormitory to meditation hall to dining room. For the first five days, I stayed within the boundaries of the courtyard, even though we could go out into the gardens for a walk. My whole life existed around the courtyard. I don't know why I didn't go out, it just didn't cross my mind. 

On the fourth day, I woke at 4.00 to the sound of the gong being rung and thought "no, I want a lie in, I want to sleep more" - although I wasn't actually tired. I went back to sleep after deciding to miss the first meditation and just get up for breakfast. My plan didn't quite work as at exactly 4.30, there was a little voice by my head going "Azra, get up, it's time to meditate. Azra, get up, it's time to meditate" - the manager had spotted my slumbering self! I went into the meditation hall and found that sitting in one position was now causing more discomfort than ever before. I constantly shuffled from this side to that, from this position to another, my pile of cushions going up and down in the hope that within the cushions I might find some comfort. Later that afternoon, we were asked to try and sit completely still for an hour during the group meditations. This meant sitting in your chosen position (in my case cross-legged) with your hands clasped and eyes closed and trying not to move at all for an hour. Although that morning I hadn't been able to sit still for more than a few minutes, as soon as there was a goal we had to try and attain, my competitive side rose up and made sure I did it! 

There were three group meditations a day and after the fourth day, you had to try and sit still for all three, each being an hour long. The first couple of days, I managed two sittings but would always have to move during the third. It was a great feeling when I finally managed to do all three sittings in the day without moving an inch.

On the tenth day, Noble Silence ended and we were able to talk to each other (although we still had to observe Noble Silence in or around the meditation halls). It was great to be able to talk to people but after a while it seemed a bit noisy. The people on the course suddenly took on personalities and you realised how difficult it is to garner any knowledge of someone's personality without being able to talk or communicate in any way. You don't know how they sound or what they're like - on day ten it was as if everyone came alive and there was a lot of animated chattering! 

Once we could talk again, someone raised the question of why everyone was brushing their teeth the whole time. It was true, it didn't matter what time you went into the bathroom, there would always be someone brushing their teeth. It was particularly busy after meals. Even I found myself brushing my teeth three times a day but that was because of the different timetable we were following - I'd brush my teeth as soon as I got up. After breakfast, there'd be an hour free that I used for taking a nap. That meant that I didn't take a shower til after lunch at which time I'd brush my teeth again, and then once again before bed. This increased teeth-brushing meant that by the last day I'd run out of toothpaste and as I saw my supplies diminish, I wondered what I'd do if I ran out before the end of the course. I couldn't borrow from anyone else as I wouldn't be able to communicate what I needed. I couldn't just help myself to someone's tube of toothpaste as that might be seen as stealing. In the end, I decided not to worry about it unless it happened!

It turned out that most people were brushing their teeth four or five times a day just as it was something to do, they were bored. It made me realise that although at times I'd found my time there difficult, I'd never felt bored. Another girl I spoke to told me that every day she'd have to fight the urge to leave. I was surprised hearing this as during the meditations, she had looked so calm and serene, in comparison to my constantly fidgeting self! But once again, I never felt any urge to leave or escape - I was happy to be where I was, doing what I was doing. 

Although at times difficult and intense, ultimately the course was a wonderful experience and I have vowed to continue with my daily meditation practice. There's a group that meets on a weekly basis to meditate in Ibiza so I'm going to make that a part of my weekly routine. After the course, one of my friends asked me what had prompted me to do it. I'd been wanting to start meditating on a daily basis but didn't really know how to do it. I thought that a daily meditation would help to keep me grounded and centred - it doesn't matter how wonderful your life is, things do still happen and I want to feel that I'm in a good position to handle anything that comes my way. Also, when I look back over my life so far, so many amazing things have happened, I've had so many wonderful opportunities and I wanted a daily meditation where I could say thank-you for everything that's happened so far - I have a lot to be thankful for! Finally the course showed me how to deal with an issue that up until now, I'd been aware of but never dealt with it properly. Awareness alone is not enough!

I'd recommend this course to everyone! It's non-sectarian so it's open to everyone, regardless of religious beliefs. It follows the universal laws of nature and therefore isn't aligned to any one religion. It encourages all beings to be happy and to live a life that is full of love and compassion, harmony and goodwill. There's no guilt involved to try and make people take action. And as the course is free, it is open to everyone - anyone who has completed a course can make a donation at the end based on their own financial position. 

Now that I'm home, it's up to me to keep up my daily practice. I've done it so far. It's not easy though - whenever it's time, I have a little voice going "I don't want to do this". But I've ignored it and got on with the meditating. As I'm not working at the moment, I can get up at any time I want although I've worked out that once I do start working, I'd have to get up at 5.30 to meditate for an hour if I still want to fit in my daily swim before the working day starts. The alarm was set for 5.30 this morning. When it went off, I turned it off and went back to sleep. When I woke up a couple of hours later, I started meditating. But by then, Bea was up and I realised that even the smallest sounds were a distraction to my meditation. So I've now got to be disciplined and start getting up at 5.30 to meditate as it will be dark and quiet and easier to concentrate on the meditation. I know it would be so easy to do nothing but I have so much to gain from daily practice that I'm determined to make it a part of my life. I've come to Ibiza for a better quality of life and this can only help add to that!