I glanced over my last two posts and realised that I'd started both with "a lot's happened" and then I'd add in a framework of time. Although it was an accident to begin both this way, it pretty much sums up Ibiza - a lot seems to happen in a very short space of time. Things can go from one extreme to another in a matter of days, hours even. I wonder if this has something to do with the microclimate enjoyed by the island - a blistering hot day can turn into torrential downpours in the blink of an eye. My friends Ruby and Jenna have just been over to the island for a short visit. I last saw them three weeks ago when we all met for lunch in London. As we caught up on our respective three weeks, once again there was that realisation that we'd all lived about three months in three weeks, not one of us had a start to the year that could be described as "normal" - whatever normal may be.....
Yesterday as I read over my post from two weeks ago, there was that happy sensation that things had changed so much since that time. It had been written literally as soon as I'd had the weird conversation with A where he'd told me that there was no more work after the end of the week. It had been a pretty horrible atmosphere and after that conversation, I actually felt sick but had to carry on with my work as there was lots to do. I decided to move out of the villa as soon as possible as it would have been strange to carry on staying there once work had finished. I had nowhere to go but knew that things would work out as they were meant to work out. Towards the end of the week, things started to improve in terms of the atmosphere at work. The thing that really seemed to help is that since coming back from London, I'd been working alongside Y and she has a far calmer energy than A. We sat side by side and ploughed through stacks of work on the different websites. With A, one minute I'd be doing one thing, the next minute something else. There was lots of talk about the different things he wanted me to do but never the time to explain things so I could take over properly. Working with Y, I kept my head down and just got on with things.
On the Thursday, A told me he wasn't going to charge me for staying at the villa but by then, my friends George and Will had come to the rescue and helped me out. And to be honest, I thought it would probably be better if I went and stayed somewhere else for the last bit of my time in Ibiza. I know it's a hassle having to move again but I've come to the conclusion that Cala Carbo is like the Bermuda triangle, it's very easy to get sucked in and never leave again! The place is opposite Es Vedra, the third most magnetic place in the world. Es Vedra is like a huge majestic sculpture that looms out of the sea and it's true, you can feel the energy when you're in front of it. But to live right opposite it (as I was in the villa) can be too much energy that draws you in. I thought it better to escape while I could!
The next night, as I was rushing to finish my work and go and look at the beach house I was going to move into, A had an impromptu chat with me. It wasn't what I was expecting at all but I'm so glad we had that talk. Basically we had an honest, frank conversation about me leaving. We could both explain our positions from a calm, rational place and understand things from the other person's perspective - it was a proper grown-up conversation. At the end, we both said "I'm so glad we've had that conversation" as neither of us wanted things to end badly but I was prepared to make the break once I left as I really didn't think they wanted any more to do with me. From the place I'd been in a few days earlier, I never thought for a minute that the week would end the way it did, in a wonderful amazing manner! Now I know that I'll be leaving A and Y as friends and I will continue to be a part of their lives, as they will mine and this to me means an immense amount. The other thing was that when we discussed my trip to Marrakech and the long report I wrote, I didn't think anything I had written would be given much consideration. A told me that he was going to implement everything I had mentioned (apart from one point where we agreed to disagree) and this was another fantastic result as I didn't think I had made any difference. Now it seems that perhaps I did!
Tuesday, 27 January 2009
Very quickly
A lot's happened since my last post two weeks ago. I've moved into a lovely little beach house just by Cala Jondal and stopped working although there is still lots for me to do so I keep going back. Two weeks ago, I felt absolutely awful but that soon passed, things got a lot better and now things are great. I'm excited about the rest of my time in Ibiza, going round the island and spending time with people. I'm also really excited about going back to London. Things feel like they're falling into place, I know what I want to do when I go back. I had a bit of a realisation last week about why I came out here in the first place. There's lots to write about and I don't have time at the moment but I will come back in the next day or two and fill in the last two weeks.....
Tuesday, 13 January 2009
Oh dear......
A lot's happened since my post last week. I had the conversation with A that I was moving back to London at the end of February and I thought it had gone okay. But later that day, he said two things to me. First he'd like me to pay to stay at the villa and also he didn't know if he had enough work for me to keep me busy in February. I was welcome to stay at the villa til the end of February.
He said he wanted to have another meeting to make a plan about what work I could do until the end of January. We've just had that meeting and I was told there was no more work for me after this week. This is actually great as the atmosphere at work has been pretty dire recently and as I drove back to work after Spanish this morning, as I got closer I found myself thinking "I don't want to go there, it feels so horrible....". Also the island is looking absolutely gorgeous at the moment and I was actually looking forward to having a month off to actually enjoy the place. Now I can have an extra two weeks to enjoy the place! This aside, I still felt a bit sick after we had the conversation but at least I know it's temporary and it's already started to disappear....
Although I can stay at the villa until the end of February, I've decided to move out this weekend. As of yet I don't have anywhere to go but I know something will turn up. Staying at the villa would just feel weird and I'm not comfortable with it. So once again, I'm going to be on the move. I didn't actually unpack anything after I moved all my stuff out of the flat last week so all I really have to do is stick things in the van and drive them to wherever will be my final home (for the next six weeks!). And then it's back to London. My little Ibiza adventure is nearly over. For the time being......
He said he wanted to have another meeting to make a plan about what work I could do until the end of January. We've just had that meeting and I was told there was no more work for me after this week. This is actually great as the atmosphere at work has been pretty dire recently and as I drove back to work after Spanish this morning, as I got closer I found myself thinking "I don't want to go there, it feels so horrible....". Also the island is looking absolutely gorgeous at the moment and I was actually looking forward to having a month off to actually enjoy the place. Now I can have an extra two weeks to enjoy the place! This aside, I still felt a bit sick after we had the conversation but at least I know it's temporary and it's already started to disappear....
Although I can stay at the villa until the end of February, I've decided to move out this weekend. As of yet I don't have anywhere to go but I know something will turn up. Staying at the villa would just feel weird and I'm not comfortable with it. So once again, I'm going to be on the move. I didn't actually unpack anything after I moved all my stuff out of the flat last week so all I really have to do is stick things in the van and drive them to wherever will be my final home (for the next six weeks!). And then it's back to London. My little Ibiza adventure is nearly over. For the time being......
Wednesday, 7 January 2009
I had the conversation
So, back to work this morning and as soon as I arrived, A trooped off to the bar to get coffees for us. When he came back, he slid the door shut and said he had a few things to talk about. "Maybe he's guessed..." I thought to myself. He had some news for me, possibly bad news. The owner of the flat where I was meant to return after the winter (according to the 2008 plans) had come to say he needed the flat back. I would have to move all my stuff out and find somewhere else to live by the end of March as I could live in the luxury villa til then.
Now this would normally have caused me all sorts of problems as it would have meant looking for somewhere to live once again. But that was in 2008 and now we're in 2009 and everything has changed. Well for me at least. I thought this was as good a time as any to announce my plans. So I told A that I was planning on returning to London. He looked thoroughly relieved. I think maybe he might have felt a little guilty getting me to move into the flat in the first place, only to find that I wouldn't have been able to live there long-term. And maybe they were starting to wonder what to do with me - recently I found myself becoming more and more of a secretary to Y. I don't mind looking over documents to check the English is word-perfect but being asked to type things up leaves me feeling a bit under-used. And under-whelmed. When I've taken the initiative to make things happen, generally they've got messed up, often in an embarrassing manner. So a bit of a stalemate really!
I didn't go into some long speech about things being chaotic and unprofessional, it didn't seem necessary. In my head I've already moved on to pastures new. I did say something about low pay and working six days a week and starting to wonder "so why am I doing this?" But ultimately I made it about me wanting to get on with my life and that's the truth. I've offered to carry on doing things with the British market once I'm back in London but only as a consultant - I'll help towards creating something successful if I'm rewarded properly.
If someone had made a fly-on-the-wall documentary about my adventure, I think it would have made quite good telly. I've experienced most emotions in my time here and my Spanish teacher said my life resembled a soap opera, amazing twists and turns every step of the way. Fantastic opportunities turned into disasters, the most heart-warming moments turned into heartbreak. But all in all it's been a brilliant adventure, a time to do something different, away from the hectic pace of city life. I've got two months left and I intend to make the absolute most of it!
Now this would normally have caused me all sorts of problems as it would have meant looking for somewhere to live once again. But that was in 2008 and now we're in 2009 and everything has changed. Well for me at least. I thought this was as good a time as any to announce my plans. So I told A that I was planning on returning to London. He looked thoroughly relieved. I think maybe he might have felt a little guilty getting me to move into the flat in the first place, only to find that I wouldn't have been able to live there long-term. And maybe they were starting to wonder what to do with me - recently I found myself becoming more and more of a secretary to Y. I don't mind looking over documents to check the English is word-perfect but being asked to type things up leaves me feeling a bit under-used. And under-whelmed. When I've taken the initiative to make things happen, generally they've got messed up, often in an embarrassing manner. So a bit of a stalemate really!
I didn't go into some long speech about things being chaotic and unprofessional, it didn't seem necessary. In my head I've already moved on to pastures new. I did say something about low pay and working six days a week and starting to wonder "so why am I doing this?" But ultimately I made it about me wanting to get on with my life and that's the truth. I've offered to carry on doing things with the British market once I'm back in London but only as a consultant - I'll help towards creating something successful if I'm rewarded properly.
If someone had made a fly-on-the-wall documentary about my adventure, I think it would have made quite good telly. I've experienced most emotions in my time here and my Spanish teacher said my life resembled a soap opera, amazing twists and turns every step of the way. Fantastic opportunities turned into disasters, the most heart-warming moments turned into heartbreak. But all in all it's been a brilliant adventure, a time to do something different, away from the hectic pace of city life. I've got two months left and I intend to make the absolute most of it!
Monday, 5 January 2009
The plan
It's my last night in London, back to Ibiza tomorrow afternoon. I'm anticipating a conversation on Wednesday that outlines my plans - I hope it goes well!
Seeing that I've got two months left on the island, I want to make the most of my time there. This involves getting around as much of the island as possible, with camera in hand. Obviously it also involves spending time with friends, squeezing time in wherever possible amongst my usual work six days a week.
As it's also the beginning of the year and a time for resolutions, here are a few things I'd like to get in place over the next two months, to have me ready for my return. Aside from the usual eat well and drink lots of water, I'm going to add in a 3-times a week swimming routine. I didn't do much yoga or meditation last year so I'd like to get that back in place - it's important, it makes a huge difference to your day to day life and is good for you. I'm going to find the Bikram studio in town and head off there once a week too. It's so easy to become a hermit in the evenings, straight home after work and not out again. But it's time to change that! I've also got about two months of supplements left for my kinesiology and I'd like to get that finished, even if it does mean taking the horse pills.
I'm feeling quite re-energised and looking forward to returning to London, refreshed and rested. I feel like I've got lots of energy and a part of me wonders how far I could run if I tried. And would I feel any different after doing some exercise? I ask this because once upon a time, even a short run would make the endomorphins fly around my body. I would get that buzz from the smallest bit of exercise. It was the same with tweaking my diet to make it more healthy. Just the sight of fruit and veg would increase my energy levels. Sadly, this hasn't been the case for a few years now. My body isn't able to turn nutrients into energy, I don't know why but this is the main reason that I'm seeing a kinesiologist. I really hope that this rest I've had is just what I needed and my body returns to previous energy levels.
As I slowly mention to friends about returning, conversations always turn to the doom and gloom of Britain. People having to reassess their lives and cut back wherever possible. And the thought that goes through my head is "hello, welcome to my world!" Ever since I was made redundant in October 2002 and embarked on the path of the freelance person, I've had to cut back on frivilous spending and unnecessary treats. That air of uncertainty, of not knowing what's around the corner, I've lived with that for over six years and you get used to it, even embrace it. It keeps you on your toes, the only security you have is to be the best you can be and always believe that even if things feel wobbly, that passes and something better will replace it. You need to keep your most positive head on at all times, no matter how difficult it might be, and go forwards, always go forwards!
Seeing that I've got two months left on the island, I want to make the most of my time there. This involves getting around as much of the island as possible, with camera in hand. Obviously it also involves spending time with friends, squeezing time in wherever possible amongst my usual work six days a week.
As it's also the beginning of the year and a time for resolutions, here are a few things I'd like to get in place over the next two months, to have me ready for my return. Aside from the usual eat well and drink lots of water, I'm going to add in a 3-times a week swimming routine. I didn't do much yoga or meditation last year so I'd like to get that back in place - it's important, it makes a huge difference to your day to day life and is good for you. I'm going to find the Bikram studio in town and head off there once a week too. It's so easy to become a hermit in the evenings, straight home after work and not out again. But it's time to change that! I've also got about two months of supplements left for my kinesiology and I'd like to get that finished, even if it does mean taking the horse pills.
I'm feeling quite re-energised and looking forward to returning to London, refreshed and rested. I feel like I've got lots of energy and a part of me wonders how far I could run if I tried. And would I feel any different after doing some exercise? I ask this because once upon a time, even a short run would make the endomorphins fly around my body. I would get that buzz from the smallest bit of exercise. It was the same with tweaking my diet to make it more healthy. Just the sight of fruit and veg would increase my energy levels. Sadly, this hasn't been the case for a few years now. My body isn't able to turn nutrients into energy, I don't know why but this is the main reason that I'm seeing a kinesiologist. I really hope that this rest I've had is just what I needed and my body returns to previous energy levels.
As I slowly mention to friends about returning, conversations always turn to the doom and gloom of Britain. People having to reassess their lives and cut back wherever possible. And the thought that goes through my head is "hello, welcome to my world!" Ever since I was made redundant in October 2002 and embarked on the path of the freelance person, I've had to cut back on frivilous spending and unnecessary treats. That air of uncertainty, of not knowing what's around the corner, I've lived with that for over six years and you get used to it, even embrace it. It keeps you on your toes, the only security you have is to be the best you can be and always believe that even if things feel wobbly, that passes and something better will replace it. You need to keep your most positive head on at all times, no matter how difficult it might be, and go forwards, always go forwards!
Friday, 2 January 2009
Happy new year and welcome 2009!
I know there's meant to be an air of doom and gloom around at the moment but I feel very upbeat about 2009, excited even! As usual I have no idea what the year will bring but I think it's going to be a great year.
I saw the new year in at Tayo's Tracksuit Party. It turned out to be one of the best new year's I'd had in years. It being new year's wasn't what made it, I just liked the mix of party in a warehouse, ace music being played by friends, lots of familiar faces and dancing away like there was no tomorrow. The average age was probably about 18, it was if I'd turned my back for a year and when I turned round again, everything had got really young. The funny thing is, a couple of years ago I'd have been thinking "oh my god, everyone is so young which makes me feel so old!". But this time it was different, in some bizarre way it was exciting partying with people still in their teens, there was something quite exciting about know that they had their whole life ahead of them.
I also felt very sure about moving back to London. I don't know what the return will bring but I feel pretty cool about it all, I know that things will work out, they always do. A part of me feels that going to Ibiza was about having a break from London and a rest. I feel re-energised and ready to head back again. I think before I left I had got incredibly tired, not tired of London but just tired. A decade in London, fairly full-on at every turn had tired me out and maybe, just maybe, I needed a very big rest. The time in Ibiza does feel like it was a rest, although I've worked for a large part of my time there, it's pretty easy work and hasn't been as challenging as I once thought it might be. It had the potential to be a great challenge but I don't think it's going to happen so it's a bit like a rest, even though I work six days a week. But that often involves being at work with not much to do. Although this can be fine for a time, I'm bored of it now and want to get back to something more exciting.
I'm not sure how it's going to be taken by A & Y when I announce that I'm going to be moving back to London. The way that A has talked, I think he was expecting me to be with them for the rest of my life. But I need more than they can give and I need to see that my work is going in the direction I want it to be going and that just isn't going to happen with them. But at least returning to London feels like it's about me being ready to come back, less about work not really working out. I've done what many people just dream about doing. I never had any idea how it would pan out, I just knew that I wanted to go and live there and that's what I've done. A year is plenty of time away from London and I'm ready to come back!
I saw the new year in at Tayo's Tracksuit Party. It turned out to be one of the best new year's I'd had in years. It being new year's wasn't what made it, I just liked the mix of party in a warehouse, ace music being played by friends, lots of familiar faces and dancing away like there was no tomorrow. The average age was probably about 18, it was if I'd turned my back for a year and when I turned round again, everything had got really young. The funny thing is, a couple of years ago I'd have been thinking "oh my god, everyone is so young which makes me feel so old!". But this time it was different, in some bizarre way it was exciting partying with people still in their teens, there was something quite exciting about know that they had their whole life ahead of them.
I also felt very sure about moving back to London. I don't know what the return will bring but I feel pretty cool about it all, I know that things will work out, they always do. A part of me feels that going to Ibiza was about having a break from London and a rest. I feel re-energised and ready to head back again. I think before I left I had got incredibly tired, not tired of London but just tired. A decade in London, fairly full-on at every turn had tired me out and maybe, just maybe, I needed a very big rest. The time in Ibiza does feel like it was a rest, although I've worked for a large part of my time there, it's pretty easy work and hasn't been as challenging as I once thought it might be. It had the potential to be a great challenge but I don't think it's going to happen so it's a bit like a rest, even though I work six days a week. But that often involves being at work with not much to do. Although this can be fine for a time, I'm bored of it now and want to get back to something more exciting.
I'm not sure how it's going to be taken by A & Y when I announce that I'm going to be moving back to London. The way that A has talked, I think he was expecting me to be with them for the rest of my life. But I need more than they can give and I need to see that my work is going in the direction I want it to be going and that just isn't going to happen with them. But at least returning to London feels like it's about me being ready to come back, less about work not really working out. I've done what many people just dream about doing. I never had any idea how it would pan out, I just knew that I wanted to go and live there and that's what I've done. A year is plenty of time away from London and I'm ready to come back!
Saturday, 20 December 2008
Carrying on where I left off
The other day I started writing about my "turning 40 angst" but I got carried away writing about life in my twenties and that was lots of fun and I ended up writing loads so I didn't talk about what's going on right now.
It's true, I am experiencing some angst about that big birthday looming up. Up til now my life makes so much sense but I'm completely baffled as to how the family thing hasn't happened when it's something I'd really love to have. In fact, some of my earliest memories are being aware of how things were at home and thinking "when I have my family I'm going to do things differently". Don't get me wrong, my parents are wonderful people and I love them dearly but when it came to raising children, I'm not sure they gave much thought to how you go about raising children. I'm sure lots of people bring children into this world without giving it much thought, to consider what sort of environment they would like to raise their children in and then create that environment.
Maybe it was because I was a sensitive child, prone to feeling things around me. Coupled that with a pondering mind and you get a child like me. I don't think my sisters were like this because some of the things that I mention, they've been oblivious to. I can see hints of it in my nephew Adil. Once when we were talking, I asked him what he'd like to do when he grew up. He told me that he'd like to be an artist (he is exceptionally gifted already) and sell his paintings in the park but only on weekdays. I asked him what he'd do at the weekend then and he said "I'd spend weekends with my family". I shot a glance at my sister to find out what he meant by that. My sister told me that often she has to work on Saturdays (she's a doctor) and the children don't like it, they want her to be there with them. Instead of moaning or complaining or throwing a tantrum, Adil had worked out a solution for how he'd do something when he grew up, based on how he saw things as a child. That's how I was too.
My adult life has been driven by the desire to get to that place I'd want to be when I was raising a family. It's as much about feeling comfortable with myself and who I am as a person and where I've got to in life before embarking on motherhood. I've got to the place I'd want to be, I didn't give up halfway along because I couldn't be bothered or didn't want to put the effort in. But I wonder if the whole family thing will happen? I'm baffled by the thought that it might not? I'm not sure how that is possible and I'm not prepared to give up the dream but you do think at what point do you go "ok, this isn't going to happen, time to let it go". I believe in the natural laws of the universe and I've seen so many things slot into place in my life but sometimes I do find myself wondering "is the universe so cruel that it would give me everything but deny me the thing I want most?" And my answer is always no, the world just doesn't work like that.
The other thing with always believing that I would one day have a family is that I haven't really thought what I want to do with my life if there isn't a family to take care of, to nurture, to love. How do I fill my time if I always thought that by a certain point, a large chunk of it would be taken up looking after my little family? What do you do if your childhood dream has been about the family you will have and how you will raise them but maybe that dream isn't going to happen? And all your subsequent dreams have been fulfilled? I was on a mission to get to a place where all my boxes had been ticked before a family came on the scene. I've got to that place, what do I do now? If I've got at least twenty years of full-time work ahead of me, what do I want to do? Last year working at the Society got me to a place where I thought "wow, if I never go any higher than this, that's fine by me - this is an amazing place to be". It's a great vantage point to start a family from as you don't have that nagging feeling that you never got to the place you thought you could get to because you had a child and took time out to raise your family.
For anyone reading this who doesn't know me, I think I better add in that I haven't delayed starting a family due to chasing a career dream. I just haven't met the right person. The last time I fell in love, I thought he was the one, I think for a time he did too. For four years I held on to the belief that he was the person for me, but our timing was off as we were both going through a process of turning our lives around to simultaneously get them to a point where we could live together in harmony. Then one evening we were talking, my candle for him still burning bright, and he said a few things that made me think "oh my god, he can't even look after himself, how can he look after me?" Bizarre thing to feel for someone as independent as myself but there you go, that's what I felt. I had this weird sensation that he wasn't "big" enough for me which is a strange thing to feel. I think it was something to do with our different approaches to life. I might be scared stiff about doing something but I will still dive in and do it. He seemed to be scared of life. Deep down inside I think he always knew it, always knew he would never get to that place he was trying to get to. I believed that he would but maybe all along he knew differently. But I've got to give it to him, he tried damn hard and I really thought he'd get there but it just didn't happen. He is a beautiful, gentle cheeky soul who I loved tremendously but that night my candle flickered and went out. And since then, I've not met anyone who I have that connection with. Actually, that's a lie, I have met some where the connection is there but the circumstances are not conducive to anything.
Anyway, there you go, a little about my angst. I think one of the underlying factors behind the email I sent yesterday is the thought in my head that if I don't have my own family and it's going to be mainly about work, I need to feel challenged and fulfilled and as if I am constantly achieving. I don't really have anywhere to go, I've got to wherever I needed to get to but I get very bored if I'm not challenged and I don't do mundane and boring! And I've hurtled along at quite a pace over the last two decades, packing in stacks. Sometimes I feel a bit tired so to maintain the momentum, I need to be incredibly excited about the work I'm doing, it's got to be something that gets my adrenaline going. So lots and lots of things whirling around in my head but you know the funny thing, I still believe it will happen. I still believe that my little dream of that someone special and me, living in our house full of love, laughter and happiness with a few little ones (and maybe some cats and possibly a dog) will still happen. And wow, how amazing will that be when it does happen!
Now I've got to turn my thoughts to organising the party for the big day! It's going to be special - and I get to celebrate it twice. On the day in London and then probably the week after in Ibiza. It's the same day that the Bali project opens, I was told I could celebrate my birthday in Bali but I would have been working and no doubt it would have been stressful and I'd already decided I wanted to celebrate with all my loved ones! I don't work on my birthday!
PS - I was talking to someone yesterday who'd just turned 30. I asked him if he'd had any "turning 30 angst" and he said yes. Then he said "I guess it's not something you're worrying about just yet" - he thought I was a 20-something. When I told him I was a few months off from turning 40, he went "oh my god, you've got menopause coming up!" Well thanks! There's me worrying about if I'm going to have children and he comes out with something like that. Anyway, how can someone like me who still looks about 12 even consider something like menopause, it's an eternity away!
It's true, I am experiencing some angst about that big birthday looming up. Up til now my life makes so much sense but I'm completely baffled as to how the family thing hasn't happened when it's something I'd really love to have. In fact, some of my earliest memories are being aware of how things were at home and thinking "when I have my family I'm going to do things differently". Don't get me wrong, my parents are wonderful people and I love them dearly but when it came to raising children, I'm not sure they gave much thought to how you go about raising children. I'm sure lots of people bring children into this world without giving it much thought, to consider what sort of environment they would like to raise their children in and then create that environment.
Maybe it was because I was a sensitive child, prone to feeling things around me. Coupled that with a pondering mind and you get a child like me. I don't think my sisters were like this because some of the things that I mention, they've been oblivious to. I can see hints of it in my nephew Adil. Once when we were talking, I asked him what he'd like to do when he grew up. He told me that he'd like to be an artist (he is exceptionally gifted already) and sell his paintings in the park but only on weekdays. I asked him what he'd do at the weekend then and he said "I'd spend weekends with my family". I shot a glance at my sister to find out what he meant by that. My sister told me that often she has to work on Saturdays (she's a doctor) and the children don't like it, they want her to be there with them. Instead of moaning or complaining or throwing a tantrum, Adil had worked out a solution for how he'd do something when he grew up, based on how he saw things as a child. That's how I was too.
My adult life has been driven by the desire to get to that place I'd want to be when I was raising a family. It's as much about feeling comfortable with myself and who I am as a person and where I've got to in life before embarking on motherhood. I've got to the place I'd want to be, I didn't give up halfway along because I couldn't be bothered or didn't want to put the effort in. But I wonder if the whole family thing will happen? I'm baffled by the thought that it might not? I'm not sure how that is possible and I'm not prepared to give up the dream but you do think at what point do you go "ok, this isn't going to happen, time to let it go". I believe in the natural laws of the universe and I've seen so many things slot into place in my life but sometimes I do find myself wondering "is the universe so cruel that it would give me everything but deny me the thing I want most?" And my answer is always no, the world just doesn't work like that.
The other thing with always believing that I would one day have a family is that I haven't really thought what I want to do with my life if there isn't a family to take care of, to nurture, to love. How do I fill my time if I always thought that by a certain point, a large chunk of it would be taken up looking after my little family? What do you do if your childhood dream has been about the family you will have and how you will raise them but maybe that dream isn't going to happen? And all your subsequent dreams have been fulfilled? I was on a mission to get to a place where all my boxes had been ticked before a family came on the scene. I've got to that place, what do I do now? If I've got at least twenty years of full-time work ahead of me, what do I want to do? Last year working at the Society got me to a place where I thought "wow, if I never go any higher than this, that's fine by me - this is an amazing place to be". It's a great vantage point to start a family from as you don't have that nagging feeling that you never got to the place you thought you could get to because you had a child and took time out to raise your family.
For anyone reading this who doesn't know me, I think I better add in that I haven't delayed starting a family due to chasing a career dream. I just haven't met the right person. The last time I fell in love, I thought he was the one, I think for a time he did too. For four years I held on to the belief that he was the person for me, but our timing was off as we were both going through a process of turning our lives around to simultaneously get them to a point where we could live together in harmony. Then one evening we were talking, my candle for him still burning bright, and he said a few things that made me think "oh my god, he can't even look after himself, how can he look after me?" Bizarre thing to feel for someone as independent as myself but there you go, that's what I felt. I had this weird sensation that he wasn't "big" enough for me which is a strange thing to feel. I think it was something to do with our different approaches to life. I might be scared stiff about doing something but I will still dive in and do it. He seemed to be scared of life. Deep down inside I think he always knew it, always knew he would never get to that place he was trying to get to. I believed that he would but maybe all along he knew differently. But I've got to give it to him, he tried damn hard and I really thought he'd get there but it just didn't happen. He is a beautiful, gentle cheeky soul who I loved tremendously but that night my candle flickered and went out. And since then, I've not met anyone who I have that connection with. Actually, that's a lie, I have met some where the connection is there but the circumstances are not conducive to anything.
Anyway, there you go, a little about my angst. I think one of the underlying factors behind the email I sent yesterday is the thought in my head that if I don't have my own family and it's going to be mainly about work, I need to feel challenged and fulfilled and as if I am constantly achieving. I don't really have anywhere to go, I've got to wherever I needed to get to but I get very bored if I'm not challenged and I don't do mundane and boring! And I've hurtled along at quite a pace over the last two decades, packing in stacks. Sometimes I feel a bit tired so to maintain the momentum, I need to be incredibly excited about the work I'm doing, it's got to be something that gets my adrenaline going. So lots and lots of things whirling around in my head but you know the funny thing, I still believe it will happen. I still believe that my little dream of that someone special and me, living in our house full of love, laughter and happiness with a few little ones (and maybe some cats and possibly a dog) will still happen. And wow, how amazing will that be when it does happen!
Now I've got to turn my thoughts to organising the party for the big day! It's going to be special - and I get to celebrate it twice. On the day in London and then probably the week after in Ibiza. It's the same day that the Bali project opens, I was told I could celebrate my birthday in Bali but I would have been working and no doubt it would have been stressful and I'd already decided I wanted to celebrate with all my loved ones! I don't work on my birthday!
PS - I was talking to someone yesterday who'd just turned 30. I asked him if he'd had any "turning 30 angst" and he said yes. Then he said "I guess it's not something you're worrying about just yet" - he thought I was a 20-something. When I told him I was a few months off from turning 40, he went "oh my god, you've got menopause coming up!" Well thanks! There's me worrying about if I'm going to have children and he comes out with something like that. Anyway, how can someone like me who still looks about 12 even consider something like menopause, it's an eternity away!
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