Anonymous posters....

Although this blog is in the public domain, for all intents and purposes it's private. People don't stumble across it when doing a Google search (unless of course they're putting my name into Google) and the only people who know of it would be people who know me. I generally know who reads my blog, who knows about it. However twice I've had some pretty nasty comments left by anonymous posters - the first time it happened, I left it up there. The second time, last week, I decided against allowing the comment but thought I'd write about it here instead.

You see, what my anonymous posters don't know is that my blog is pretty much private and if anyone leaves nasty comments, even if they don't have the balls to attach their name to them, I know immediately who it is. Both times it's happened, the guilty person has flashed into my mind while I've read the comments and although I won't name them here, I will refer to them as MK and HR. "How can you be so sure?" you may be thinking. Well, both have done things in the past which makes it very easy to work out who the coward is hiding behind the anonymous nastiness. HR questioned whether I suffer from NPD. I had no idea what NPD was, put it into Google but that only came up with New Product Development and I don't think I suffer from that. HR is someone who likes to read alot about personality disorders, talks about narcissists, I can only imagine it's something to do with that. But by using the term NPD, really gave yourself away you silly cow! Funny thing is, even before any of this happened, I had thought to myself that HR reminds me of MK and their actions show them to be even more similar, not just in their lives but in their behaviour. Also, the comments they made, the things that seemed to piss them off so much, well these were the same things they'd got pissed off about before....

Both have sent me some pretty strong nasty emails in the past. The thing with sending something like this is that you see what someone's style is, what gets them, what language they use. I'm very lucky in that I don't really have shit people in my life so when anyone gets horrible and angry, they are in a tiny minority and they stick out like sore thumbs. Obviously I don't really have anything to do with people when they behave like this but they still seem to like to see what I'm up to. Both have had certain expectations of me (that I've not known about) and then got incredibly upset when I haven't behaved in the way that was expected. Personally I think they over-react, maybe they just get upset that I don't care for them the way I might do for others....

The similarities continue between the two. I'd describe both as having a victim mentality, their lives are car-crash horrors and both choose to use the very public face of the internet to share their woes with the world. I've read stuff that they've both written and cringed in embarrassment on their behalf - at times it's been excrutiating, reading how bad their lives are, how abysmally they've been treated, the shit that continues. Both seem to be angry about stuff, both have suffered physical abuse at the hands of partners.

The latest anonymous comment in response to my post "Numb" went like this:
"If you weren't so horribly self absorbed maybe you'd have brain space to think about how your mother feels rather than how you feel. You you you! Ever considered you suffer from NPD?

Well, anonymous poster 2 (HR), let me discuss here. I re-read the post to see what I'd written and it talked about my parents deteriorating health more than anything else. Obviously I'd written about my reaction to it all (going completely numb when I went into auto-pilot) but I'm not in the head of anyone else, I can't write about how anyone else is feeling, only what I'm feeling. I'm not a journalist, it's not for me to try and prise out how my mum is feeling but it is for me to be there in the hospital when she's needed her family around her for support. No I don't know exactly how my mum feels but she probably doesn't either. Even if she does, having spent a lifetime hiding her feelings away, I'm not sure she'd even have the language to express how she's feeling. But this much I know, she has been petrified and this I have seen etched in her face as we've sat for hours in hospital waiting rooms, passing away the time, waiting for a diagnosis that took weeks to come. I've been sat next to her and heard her saying prayers in Arabic under her breath, praying that everything will be fine. After she had the bone marrow biopsy, I was on one side of her hospital bed, my dad on the other, both holding her hands because that is what she needed at that moment, that is what she wanted. I was in the room when the consultant finally said the words that we'd all been dreading, that she has cancer and would need chemotherapy.

So HR, anonymous poster 2 (you know who you are and so do I) - you may not like me but frankly I don't care. However, you have proved yourself to be a pretty low-level human being for leaving nasty comments at a very difficult time for my family and me. My mum has just been diagnosed with cancer and you write things like this? The level of hatred in your heart is alarming but I think I've said that to you in the past anyway. To leave them anonymously shows you to be a spineless pathetic coward, if you think all these things about me, have the balls to say them to my face (well at least post under your name). You are a sad, pathetic, lonely individual and if I ever see you, well I think I may just laugh at you. I am lucky not to have a life like yours...