The vivid dreams are back!

When I first arrived on the island, my dreams were really vivid - I wrote about it a few months ago. Over time, my dreams became normal again, to the point where I could hardly remember what I'd been dreaming about.

The last few nights my dreams have got really vivid again. Maybe it's something to do with sleeping in a new place. Last night, there were lots of horses in my dream, a real equestrian feel. I dreamt that some consultants I used to work with at Bell Pottinger were part of the Olympics equestrian team. The team consisted of Bertie Way, Paul Bell and two others I didn't recognise. Bertie was in my dream the night before too, I was going somewhere on the island and he was there too. I'm not sure why Bertie's appeared in my dreams twice in a row but it's always good to see Bertie, particularly when it's unexpected - maybe he's on the island. I can understand seeing Paul in the dream as I spoke to him last week and will be seeing him when I go back to London in October so that makes a little sense.

My friend Simone was in the dream too, she was telling me to go horse riding but I only had one sock on and I was concerned about putting my riding boots on with only one sock in case my sockless foot starting rubbing and got sore.

Apart from that, I can't really remember what else I dreamt about but it was like going to the cinema all over again!

Feels like home....

The last few days have been spent working loads, seeing the numerous friends who are on the island and getting settled into my new home. It's a slow process as I haven't yet had a full day to dedicate to the task in hand but getting there!

The studio, although tiny, uses all the tricks I would suggest for anyone living in a very small space. I've got a coffee table that can also double as a dining table, a sofa that can also accommodate visitors (very comfortable too as I spent the first few nights sleeping on it) and a bed that goes into the wall during the day. There are four dining chairs that can stack up when not in use and lots of storage space both in the flat and in a dedicated storage space just outside of the flat. Although it's still a mess with boxes and Ikea blue bags full of stuff looking for homes, once everything is in it's place, the flat will actually feel quite spacious - one of the benefits of open plan living!

I think I may have my first visitors this weekend. Already I'm excited about inviting people over and hanging out in my pad with the lovely views of Es Vedra. It dawned on me that I never invited anyone over to my old house, perhaps I didn't want anyone to see where I was living. Now that I'm away from that house, when I think about it, it makes me shudder - it was pretty shabby. I pulled a shoe out of a bag the other day and it was full of dust and dirt, it was horrible. It never felt like you could get the old house really clean as it was too full of D's stuff and dirty to start with. Even though at first I made a bit of an effort, I lost my connection with the house after D's visit at Easter and didn't make that much of an effort afterwards. I did my bit, washing up and taking the rubbish to the recycling and keeping the kitchen surfaces clean but that was it. Bea had a go at me once about not doing enough around the house and she had a point but I didn't feel any desire to clean a place I took no pride in. My room the last few weeks I was there was an absolute mess but I wasn't in the least bit motivated to tidy it up. Just as well I moved when I did and now I'm in a lovely new place! As soon as it's all tidy and I've got some photos, I'll stick them in a post.

48 hours

Your life can change in 48 hours. Well, that's what happened to me. Last Saturday, I went to pick up Alberto and take him to one of the villas. On the drive over, he offered me the full-time position of running his shop KSAR and looking after any clients who want interiors work done. It's an amazing opportunity and the possibilities are endless so of course I said yes!

The offer was completely out of the blue and unexpected. It's not something we'd talked about before, not even a hint of an idea. In fact, I think I may have been speechless!

Then 48 hours later, as I was leaving the house for work, Bea said to me "just so you know and there's no misunderstanding, this is your last week in the house!" I was stunned into silence as I didn't know there was a date by which I had to leave the house, particularly as I had nowhere to go. But a few hours later I went to look at a studio apartment in Cala Carbo, ten minutes walk from the shop and decided to make that my new home. I was told I could move in on Thursday.

When I went back to the house later that afternoon, I started packing. The last few days have been a whirl of working, packing and getting things moved out of the house. I moved into the new place yesterday afternoon and the sense of relief was immense. Finally I was somewhere that I'm happy to call home. It's only a tiny studio but it's been newly renovated and everything I need is there. After six months of living without much electricity or hot water, in a tatty run-down place where the ghosts of D linger on as she never packed up her life in Ibiza, I'm in a place where I feel happy.

The security of the job offer and moving into a new place feels like a wonderful new chapter is beginning in Ibiza. I think living in the old house affected me more than I realised. Normally my surroundings really affect my mood and at times I felt surprised that I wasn't feeling depressed living in that house. But I think deep down I knew that it was more important to get things like work sorted before I started paying normal rent. I think I coped by blocking out how I might be feeling about the house. I never realised I had the ability to do that, it feels like it was what I needed to do to get through and somehow I managed it. Now things feel much lighter and brighter and I'm really looking forward to see how this new chapter turns out!

The photos in this post are of KSAR.

On the hunt for a new home....

I'm currently looking for somewhere new to live. I'd planned on leaving the house at the end of September but it's all been brought forward by the death of the kittens. Although this week has been much better than last week and I've stopped crying, I have no desire to live in the house anymore.

I saw a room in a house on Wednesday night but that's not really what I'm looking for. Looking at another place tomorrow morning, a studio apartment in Cala Carbo close to where I work. The thought of living by myself again in a sleepy little place right by the sea, with hot water and electricity holds great appeal so hopefully this will be an option that feels right.

I didn't think I ever wanted to live by myself again but at present, I can't think of anything better. Unless of course I was living with someone I get on really well with. It's funny how things with Bea and I changed. I remember the first time I sensed the change and the shock of feeling annoyance with what she was saying, I didn't know where the feelings were coming from or why. It was just after she'd got back to the island from a month in Italy. I'd been so excited about seeing her again and had a massive beam on my face when I picked her up at the airport. But on the drive back to the house, I found myself getting annoyed with things she was saying. I can't remember what exactly they were but I distinctly remember the feeling and my surprise at where they'd come from. After that point, I found myself noticing things, things that made us very different.

There was one thing that really bugged me. I'd make dinner for both of us, we'd sit down to eat and then the phone would ring. Instead of asking the caller to ring back later as she was eating, she'd carry on the conversation. I think for me this is as annoying as someone taking a call on a mobile when I'm sat there with them (unless of course it's an emergency). One time when she had a friend over, she did the same thing to the friend. The friend was getting visibly annoyed and I made polite conversation to keep her entertained but I don't think Bea noticed that the friend was getting annoyed.

As the weeks went by and our friendship floundered, mainly over our different feelings towards the cats and kittens, it seemed like the way she dealt with it was to pretend I wasn't there. I was aware of it and it made me laugh as it was so obvious. I've thought a little about why things changed (even before the kittens came onto the scene) and I put it down to looking for similarities in the beginning. But then I noticed all the differences and there are lots - I'm not sure we'd ever have become friends in other circumstances.

Anyway, instead of dissecting a dead friendship here, I'm going to look firmly towards the future and finding a new home!

The wedding....

There's meant to be a funny family wedding photo with this post but I'm not sure where it's disappeared to, hopefully it will make an appearance soon!

This post should have been done a week ago but kitten drama meant it's been left until now. As I mentioned in previous posts, I went back to London for my brother's wedding. As one of my friends said "I bet you didn't think your younger brother would get married before you!". This is true but hopefully it'll be my turn soon, very soon - and what a massive party that will be!

Anyway, I digress. My brother's wedding took place on Sunday 3rd August in east London, also my mum's 70th birthday party. My brother's fairly religious and the girl he married, Rubina, is even more religious. So as you can imagine, the wedding was a very religious affair.

I got back to London the Monday before the wedding and stayed at my parents' house. I haven't stayed overnight there for about ten years and it's funny how nothing changes. Being back in the family, I immediately went back into second child position, with my older sister taking charge over certain things and being the boss. Thing is, her way of organising things and my way are totally different and so this caused friction but I guess that's families for you. I got into trouble for going and catching up with my closest friends but if I'd spent the whole time at my parents house, there would have been more explosions and arguments than there were anyway! It should have been a blessing that I wasn't there all the time but no it wasn't seen that way. I think people forgot that I actually still have a life in London, even though I live elsewhere and after the difficulties I'd been having in Ibiza, I just wanted to touch base with those who know me best!

Anyway, a couple of days before the wedding, we had to go to Rubina's house and bring back some of her stuff as she's moving into my parents' house where my brother still lives. We've always known her family are religious but didn't really know how much. I got a bit of a shock when we were loading up the cars and her sisters came out to help. Before they stepped out of the house, they put on their hijab and it was full hijab, one of those ones that covers their head, their face and only a narrow slit for the eyes. We jokingly call them "ninjas" but it was a bit unexpected to see that her sister were ninjas. I found myself wondering if Rubina was also a ninja.

As we'd been late turning up to their house on the Friday, we were told it was imperative that we all arrived on Sunday at 1200 as they wanted to start the ceremony promptly. We were also told that there was a big event going on near the wedding venue, there'd be lots of traffic and we should allow plenty of time. With all this in mind, the first car set off from Dulwich at 1030 with the other cars following close behind. We ended up arriving half an hour too early but that was okay as it meant that we could take family photos before we went into the venue. Once inside, it was completely segregated, men and women entering by different doorways and sitting in different rooms so it would have been impossible to take any family photos inside.

At 1200, we all entered the hall with men and women going into separate rooms. We walked in to find no one there apart from the people dressing the room who'd just started work. So much for a prompt 1200 start. We were in a school hall, with long tables and plastic chairs, plastic plates, cups and cutlery so it felt more like a child's birthday party, not a wedding. Finally the bride's family turned up and then eventually the bride herself.

We'd been told that no photography was allowed but I'd said in advance that we'd have our cameras there to take family photos and that seemed to be okay. After the wedding ceremony and lunch, our large family was made to clamber up onto the stage and sit with the bride for photos. Somebody was taking photo's from the bride's side and there was also a camera filming everything. I asked Rubina if we could use one of our cameras to take photos for the family and I was told "no". Then I asked if we could get copies of her photos for our family (seeing that we were in the photos) and once again I was told "no". By this point, I was a bit pissed off. Either there are no photos at all or there is one camera per side. But this extreme religiousness with no compromise is a bit of a problem for me. I stomped off the stage after the photos but then got called back for more photos. I went up eventually and sat on the edge looking like a stroppy teenager. My aunts got my attention from the floor and tried to make me behave a little better. I started pulling faces, made them laugh and I think it all got captured on camera!

Finally it was all over and we could go home. Rubina's sisters came to our house and were there in their ninja outfits. Once again I found myself wondering if my brother had married a ninja - it was a bit of a concern that we didn't actually know. After a while my brother and Rubina left for a central London hotel where they would be spending a couple of nights before returning to my parents' place.

The next day, my older sister Rahila organised a lunch for our family at her house. It was a way to get everyone together before people from overseas had to leave and return home. My brother and Rubina came and luckily she wasn't wearing a full ninja outfit so maybe she doesn't take it to that extreme. Something happened that made me feel very sad. My brother hadn't realised that breakfast was included with the room. All they saw was a card that said breakfast was around £13 per person. I'm not sure if he didn't have any money on him or found that a bit steep but they didn't have any breakfast that morning. This really saddened me, if you can't treat yourself on the first morning of married life, when can you treat yourself?

The lunch at Rahila's house was good fun and relaxed. I found the whole wedding thing really stressful as everyone gets involved and generally it's chaos! Fuses blow, tempers get frayed and it can be a bit too much. But the lunch was a great way to finish things and I returned back to my parents home feeling happy and relaxed. Then I saw the text about Simba and Tyke and everything got turned on it's head but these things happen and you never know what's around the corner. I'm just glad I didn't read the text until late that night as it was actually sent in the afternoon but I didn't check my phone. Thankfully!

Little Red

Little Red was at the house yesterday evening but the vet's was already closed for the day so I missed my Spanish class this morning and took her. She's not in great shape. The virus that killed the kittens has taken it's toll on her too. The vet's given her some medicine that's full of vitamins and other good things in a bid to give her a boost and get her eating again. All I can do is give her the stuff and hope she gets her appetite back again.

The kittens were always the thing that Bea and I disagreed upon. I guess people are different and she's not into cats the way that I am. When the first kitten died, I would have rushed both the other kitten and Little Red to the vet's to see what was going on. But she decided to wait and see what happened and what happened was that the other kitten died and Little Red is really ill. But she's not to blame as people are really different and for her the cats are a burden, for me a joy! Sadly our friendship had pretty much disintegrated by the time I left for London so everything that happened has been doubly difficult. I find it hard to be at the house, worrying about Little Red while she seems to be a bit indifferent. But then there are things I don't care too much about that are really important to her, I guess it's just what you're attached to, what's important in your world.

Come on Little Red, please get better soon!

My week in London which was intense, a real emotional roller coaster (even without the kitten tragedy) has been sidelined but I will write as there's a lot to write about!

Some heartbreaking news......

This is the most difficult post I've written and I'm in tears before I've even started.

On Monday night, my last night in London, I had a text from Bea to tell me that Simba and Tyke had both died while I was in London. Only earlier that afternoon I'd been telling my cousin about them, showing her photos, looking forward to seeing their little faces again and laughing at their silly antics. When I read the text I burst into tears and carried on crying late into the night. I cried all the way home on the plane and I'm sat here crying now - I'm feeling just a little bit heartbroken.

They'd had flu before I left for London. I'd taken them to the vet's to get inoculated and she took one look, said they had flu and gave them injections and flu medicine. They couldn't get inoculated until they were better again so it was the first thing I was going to do on my return to Ibiza. I gave them the medicine for a week, mixed in with some greek yoghurt and honey and watched them return to health. Little Red also had flu and so she got medicine too. She'd had symptoms for a while and now I'm kicking myself for not bringing her to the vet's earlier. I didn't bring her at all. Now I wish I had as the kittens had caught flu from her. But I didn't think we'd be able to use any "house" money for vet's bills and I wasn't in a position to pay for treatment for a cat that isn't mine. Stupidly I'd hoped she'd get better herself, as Bea always said "they're countryside cats, they don't need too much looking after" - how wrong she was.

When I left for London, they'd just finished their medicine and as you can see from the last photos I took, they were looking pretty healthy. I was going to take them for jabs as soon as I got back and had put aside the money for vet's bills so that I knew I had that. But apparently mid-week one of the kittens stopped eating and later started vomiting. He was found dead the next morning on one of the chairs. A few days later the same thing happened again and the second kitten was found dead in the front garden. My gorgeous little kittens are now buried in the garden, under an almond tree. I think they'd like that, they always liked climbing the almond trees.

When I got back last night, I found Little Red sitting alone on a chair on the front porch. She started purring when I stroked her. I found myself wondering if she was missing her babies like I was. She seemed very quiet and subdued. Normally when she sees me, she's all perky and calling out for food. This morning she didn't eat the dry cat food put out for all the cats. I thought she might prefer some Whiskas mixed with the dried food as she'd got used to eating that with the kittens. She wasn't interested in that either. Little Red walked away and then started calling for the babies with the special miaow she kept for them. Normally they'd come running when they heard it but not anymore. It was heartbreaking to see and hear. She looked a bit wobbly on her feet and walked into the next field and lay down. I went to see her, to see if she was okay.

I had to go out but came back as quickly as possible to take Little Red to the vet's. I haven't been able to find her, even though I spent ages calling for her. I think she may have held on for as long as possible but has now gone away to die in peace. When I was going through the garden calling out for her, Baggy joined me miaowing too, looking for his little family. He must be wondering where they've all gone.

I still can't believe they've gone. I know they were only kittens but I loved them and they gave me so much back. The last couple of months, when I'd been struggling with being in Ibiza and missing everyone in London, Simba and Tyke had been the entertaining pair who could be counted on to put a massive smile on my face with their antics. They were both cheeky little things, creating their own entertainment at all times. Unlike kittens who are cute and docile and spend most of their time lying around or sleeping, this pair were lively, naughty, adventurous rascals!

Simba and Tyke - thank you for all the wonderful times in your very short life. For participating in the sunset walks, for getting excited as soon as you saw me, for hurtling in my direction whenever I called out your names. You were both very special, very adorable and very much loved by me and Little Red and Uncle Baggy. I hope the place you find yourselves now is lots of fun, with plenty of trees to climb, butterflies to chase, shadows to pounce on and cool places to sleep when the sun's too hot. I hope you have fields to run around in and bales of hay to hide in. I wish I'd been there when you got ill again but sometimes things like this happen. I hope you enjoyed your short time here and had fun with me.

Simba and Tyke - RIP