The Power of a few words of encouragement and belief...

...they can literally change a life.

In my late teens the thought that dominated my mind was how I was going to live a live completely different to the one I was supposed to live. Coming from a traditional Pakistani Muslim family, the life earmarked for me was a little like this - be a good, dutiful daughter, have an arranged marriage to someone chosen by my parents, be a good dutiful wife and mother - the end. I would have lived in the family home until I got married and then I would have gone to live with my husband or his family. In the run-up to the wedding I might have been able to spend a bit of time getting to know my future husband but it wouldn't have been the same as going out with someone as we know it here. I could be nothing less than a virgin on my wedding night. At quite a young age I'd decided I didn't want this kind of life, it didn't sound like much fun and I had a morbid fear of being forced into an arranged marriage. I didn't know how to change things but I knew there had to be a way and I was determined to find it. As I possessed the number one and number two top requirements for an arranged marriage (British passport and pale skin), I avoided going to Pakistan between the age of 11 and 18, coming up with one excuse after another. I refused to go into the kitchen with my mum and learn how to cook traditional food as I thought if I couldn't cook Pakistani food for my husband and his family, I wouldn't be such a great prospect. That was my strategy until I found another way.

In Pakistani culture, independence is not encouraged amongst girls. The family, including the extended family or the in-laws, can dictate how you live your life. I'd experienced this once already when I was 14 or 15. I was horse-mad as a teenager and worked at the local riding school from the age of 12. Holidays were spent at the riding school and one summer one of my aunts was visiting with her family. She thoroughly disapproved of the amount of time I spent away from the home and on her return to Pakistan, she complained to my grandmother. A very stern letter was written to my dad telling him he had to tell me to stop riding and he did just that. He couldn't explain why I had to stop riding but that's what I had to do. I refused and so he responded by saying that he wasn't going to pay for my riding lessons any more. "Fine I'll pay for them myself using my pocket money" I replied. He couldn't stop my pocket money as I hadn't done anything wrong so I carried on riding and working at the riding school, paying for my lessons out of my pocket money. This incident was a stark reminder of what the culture can be like and I really didn't want my whole life to be a series of incidents like that.

At the age of 16 I got a part-time job in the restaurant of a Dulwich Village pub. It was an accident getting the job - I'd gone there to see the former manageress of the riding school who was working there after leaving under mysterious circumstances. I crept in hoping no one from the Pakistani community would see me, a Muslim girl going into a pub - I came out with a job. I had to keep the exact location of my job a secret from the family as they would have been horrified that I was working in a place where alcohol was served (even though I was technically too young to serve alcohol) - however my dad knew all along exactly where I was working. He offered to give me a lift to work one Sunday morning and as we got into Dulwich Village, I kept saying "it's okay, you can drop me off here..." My dad kept on driving and pulled up right outside the pub. As I sat there alarmed, waiting for the tirade, all my dad said was "I know where you work, it's okay with me. But you know what the Pakistani community is like and how they talk so best not to tell anyone where you work" - at that point I realised my dad was on my side and has been ever since.

A few months after I started working there the management changed and Barbara and Graham came into my life. Larger than life and exuding glamour, they had both worked at Playboy before, Barbara as a Playboy Bunny and Graham as a croupier. On meeting them I was immediately petrified but we soon struck up a great working friendship. Barbara took me under her wing and taught me so much about the world of work, building excellent customer relations and running a good business. Under their guidance I flourished, which was just as well as academically things were not going so well and I messed up my A Levels and missed going to university. But a few weeks short of my 19th birthday, they said some words to me that would literally go on to change my life:

"You will achieve anything you set your mind to".

The reason for such a profound statement was that I'd just bought my first car and had proudly driven to work. When I'd passed my driving test my dad had said that he'd buy me a little car, just as he'd done for my older sister. However there was one problem, my dad wanted to get a Nissan and I wanted a Volkswagen Beetle. We're both stubborn and neither would budge and I resolved the situation by declaring that I would buy a Beetle myself, undeterred by the fact that I was earning £30 a week. I handed over my cheque book to Barbara and Graham (it was the days before cash cards) with strict instructions to lock it in the safe and not return it to me until I was ready to buy the car. I thought it would be quite cool to buy my first car at the age of 18

and for a year I worked and saved. A few weeks before my 19th birthday I'd saved enough and found a beautiful red VW Beetle and purchased my first car. Having witnessed the whole process, Barbara and Graham realised I had the ability to decide what I wanted and do what it took to make it happen, even though I was completely oblivious to what I'd just done. And those magical words "You will achieve anything you set your mind to" literally did change my life. I realised what it meant to have a dream (the car) and turn it into reality but more than that, I realised that if I was independent, if I succeeded with work, stood on my own two feet and paid my way, then maybe, just maybe I wouldn't get married off - it was a revelation! Barbara and Graham made me believe I would achieve anything I set my mind to even though I had failed my A levels and didn't think my life would amount to much. Their belief in me ignited a belief in myself so strong that I pelted through the next decade (the international years) doing lots, achieving lots, living life to the fullest. It certainly wasn't the life of a traditional Pakistani girl.

I've been enormously lucky as Barbara and Graham weren't the only ones to encourage me and believe in me. When I worked at Bell Pottinger Consultants, I affectionately referred to Stephen and Graham as my two wise men. When I was made redundant along with seven other Consultants, both asked to speak to me before I left. I had no idea what they were going to say and I was slightly stunned when they said pretty much the same thing:

" I have no idea what you're going to do but I know you will be successful. You can spot someone who has that quality and you have it. You're one of life's winners".

To hear these words from two highly accomplished gentlemen meant more than the redundancy package. Their words gave me hope at an otherwise distressing, traumatic time and they inspired me to look beyond just getting another job, to do something a little bold. My first idea was to move to South Africa and work there. I planned a three-week trip as soon as I left the Consultancy and flew to Johannesburg for a round of first interviews. I then spent two and a half weeks travelling across the country to Cape Town and finally flew back to Johannesburg for second interviews. As soon as I arrived in Johannesburg a gut feeling told me that South Africa wasn't the right move for me and although my second interviews went well, I decided against taking anything up and flew back to London. By going out to South Africa and exploring the opportunity and ultimately deciding it wasn't right for me, I've never had any regrets about it - I didn't just think about something I wanted to do, I went and explored the opportunity before deciding no.

Once back in London and with my wise men's words ringing in my ears, somehow I came up with the brave, bold or bonkers idea to set up an interiors business even though I had no training, experience or client base. I sincerely believe that it was Stephen and Graham's words of encouragement and belief that gave me the courage to look at what I really wanted to do and then go for it. I had absolutely no experience of setting up or running a business but I had this idea, this belief in my heart that refused to go away. After all my two wise men had said I would be successful so why not take a real leap of faith. Even now I'm amazed that I took this seed of an idea and made it happen, just put my head down and got on with it. From the start the point I focused on was the launch party, that was the place I was aiming to get to and I used to think about the party and how I wanted it to be from the very start. I even asked two friends Frank Tope and Tayo if they'd come and DJ at the launch party - this was probably a week after I'd had the idea and up til then they'd known me doing something international so here I was, talking about doing something completely different and having a launch party. I must have convinced them it was going to happen because they both said yes! To see how this little seed of an idea turned out click here

Ironically once I moved into interiors and embarked on the entrepreneurial life, I was approached to work on a couple of high-level International Relations projects - the Global Leadership Foundation and the British Ukrainian Society (both times my name had been recommended by Graham from Bell Pottinger). It was with these two projects that I finally felt a sense of real achievement and fulfilment in my "career" job. It was at the British Ukrainian Society that I had the pleasure of working with Richard Spring and I learnt so much from him, not only the joy of a team working in unison but also about not giving up, never giving up, going forwards, always going forwards and ultimately achieving results far greater than you'd ever imagined. If the people already mentioned had inspired me to take action, then Richard really inspired me to keep going when I found things difficult and challenging and I was ready to give up. He showed me what a leader is, someone who gets you to do more, achieve more, to keep going when you want to give up and go way beyond what you thought possible. It's amazing to look back when you've had these kind of experiences and see what you've achieved. And if I'd gone for another job after Bell Pottinger, done the normal or safe thing, I would never have been able to take on these projects but working for myself meant I could say yes to some incredible opportunities.

I've always been very aware of the people who have inspired me, believed in me, made me feel that anything was possible. I've been encouraged to discover what my potential could be and I've never forgotten how these people have been a catalyst to the life I've gone on to lead - at times very much a case of ordinary person, extraordinary life. Sometimes I look over my CV and think "you failed your A levels, missed out on university first time round and yet you've done all of this" - some amazing experiences, extraordinary opportunities and incredible friendships. My family obviously played a big part too as when you bring into the equation that I'm from a fairly traditional Pakistani Muslim family, the life I've led can be seen as quite different from the normal perspective but from the Pakistani perspective it does go off the scale somewhat. But my dad spoke some very wise words to me when I was at university. There was the chance to study in America as part of a student exchange, there was only one place available and I decided I wanted to go and I would be the best person for my university to send. When I spoke to my dad about this opportunity, he told me to go for it (or whatever his words would have been in Urdu). He said you had to take opportunities whenever they came along as they may never come again - so I listened to his wise words and just went for it, taking opportunities as they came and creating a few along the way.

I believe this is for everyone, an amazing life is out there for anyone, anyone who has a bit of drive and desire, takes responsibility for how their life turns out and has a positive frame of mind. Sometimes it just takes another person to have a bit of belief in them and to say "You can do it!" I know that a few words of support, encouragement and belief can literally change a life - that change could be tiny or it could be massive and I believe this should be for everyone, not just some lucky person like myself who happened to be around some life-changing people at various points in time. If I can do it, then anyone can do it - sometimes all it takes is a little nudge, a bit of belief or some positive support and words of encouragement. It's been given to me and it's time to give it back a hundred times over.

As I embark on the next bit of my adventure, putting together an Arbonne team and leading them to success, I know this is my way of giving a life-changing opportunity to everyone I know. Not everyone may want it but the least I can do is to share it and be generous with this gift. This is also my way of saying "thank you" to the people in my life who have believed in me, encouraged me and supported me along the way. In addition to the people mentioned here, I have my family and numerous friends who have done that for me - whenever I do one of my email updates, I always get some lovely words of support and encouragement and I believe that these kept me going at times when I hit a difficult patch. I feel so excited about the next chapter and it's good to feel like this again. I've had some time to rest and reflect and it's now time to move forwards again. I've had time to think about the life-changing impact that some people's words have had on me and I know that more than anything, I want to do that for others. If I can make a difference in one person's life, if I can instil in someone that sense of "you can achieve anything you set your mind to", if I can inspire someone to be the best they can be by sharing my stories, anecdotes and any other wisdom I've picked up along the way, then I know I'm doing something of value and that gives me a sense of purpose that fills me with excitement and joy!

On running....

At the start of the year, I made the decision to be more healthy and see it through as opposed to letting it peter out a few weeks later. I've been learning about how I work best when trying to become more disciplined and learn a new routine and good habits. It's been fascinating - I never realised until a few months ago how easily I could create a new habit (like drinking 2L water a day) if I had a little chart and ticked off my progress on a day-to-day basis. Something we use with children all the time, never thought to use it for myself until I read about in a book last summer...

As well as eating well and drinking water and all that sort of stuff, I decided to start doing exercise on a daily basis. My two exercise loves are swimming and yoga but as I didn't want to do just those two every day I decided to start running again. I've never really had a running "high" like I've had with swimming or yoga. For me it's been something that has an element of convenience - I can do it anywhere, it doesn't require going somewhere special and it doesn't cost anything (apart from the initial outlay on a really good pair of running shoes and appropriate running clothes). But I never got anything out of it emotionally, just the knowledge that in some way it was doing me some good. That's until I started running on Peckham Rye. I don't know anything about the psychology of running but for some reason I find it easier to run on the wide open space of Peckham Rye than I do for the same time and distance around the horse-riding track in Dulwich Park. I would have thought it the other way but not so. I find it easier to zone out on Peckham Rye, surrounded on three sides by traffic - everyone going somewhere but no-one paying any attention to you. In Dulwich Park it's different. It feels smaller, more enclosed. Often you can only see a small part of the path you're going to be running on ahead of you but it feels more of a struggle. You're constantly aware of the people and children and dogs and bikes and runners around you, there are more distractions and you have to focus more.

The furthest I've ever run is 5k - for me that takes half an hour and is three times round Dulwich Park. Although I could build up to 5k without too much trouble, I've never felt like I could go beyond that. Until today. Although I may have made it sound like I've turned into this super-healthy fitness freak exercising every day, the actual reality is that although the intention is there, I think there's only been one week where I have actually exercised every day (and I felt absolutely amazing!). And as I've never felt any sense of joy running, it's there on my list but I have to force myself to do it. On Peckham Rye it all feels very different....

I started running there a few weeks ago. I woke fairly early one Monday morning and realising that it was a glorious sunny morning, I wanted to go for a run. Most times I force myself to go for a run so to actually want to do it was quite something. As it was about half past seven the park was still closed and I didn't want to miss this golden opportunity so I ran down to Peckham Rye and ran round once. And there was something about that wide open space that made it feel easier. The next time I ran I went back to the park but struggled with the same distance that I'd done quite easily on Peckham Rye. I've stopped running in the park now.

The last time I ran on Peckham Rye I ran for 20 minutes. This may not seem like a particularly long time for anyone who runs a lot but I'd been struggling with increasing my time running without stopping. In the park I couldn't even do a few minutes without stopping and walking round part of the track so to suddenly be able to find myself going for 10 minutes, 11 minutes, 15 minutes and then 20 minutes was something of an achievement. I ran today and decided to do 20 minutes again. My plan was to run 20 minutes a few times before trying to increase it to 25 minutes. But today as I got closer to my allocated time I felt like I could keep going. So I did. For another 10 minutes. Now the last time I ran for 30 minutes non-stop (which is about 3 miles or 5k for me) was two years ago. It felt good to run for that length of time again. And the best thing? I felt like I could have kept running a bit more. So that's what I'm going to do next time I run. Actually it was quite amazing to feel like I could have kept going. When I slowed down to a walk my legs did feel quite strange, as if they were full of air but that didn't last long and I didn't collapse.

So now I'm pondering the psychology of running. Is part of it finding the right kind of environment for you to run in? The thought of running on a treadmill in the gym fills me with dread but not every outdoors environment seems to work either. I never thought having that wide open space surrounded by London commuter traffic would work for me but in some strange way it does. I'm more aware of the nature around me - when I started running on the rye, the daffodils were just starting to bloom and today I noticed that they had come to their shrivelled demise but look up and some of the trees were ripe with thick pink blossom, the kind that reminds me of Japan. There are fewer restrictions with the rye as it's open and I can run at any time so long as there's enough light. As the mornings get light earlier, I can run at any time I want whereas with Dulwich Park the earliest time you can go in is 8, regardless of what time the sun rose and the birds started singing.

And now I want to go and run again and see how far I can go. There's something quite exciting about knowing you're going to do something that you'd always had a limit on but now you can go beyond. I know I can run more that 30 minutes and do that easily. What I don't know is how far I can run and that's what I'm going to find out. I've already started thinking about half-marathons....

31 reasons to do Arbonne

Following on from my last post about my Arbonne "Why" changing, I've had a bit of fun coming up with 31 reasons to do Arbonne. If even one reason resonates with you, then it's time to get in touch and find out more about what could be an amazing, life-changing opportunity. The catalyst to change can sometimes be just one phone call or a chance encounter - and having the balls to do something about it!

So, here we go - my 31 reasons to do Arbonne:

1. You have children!

2. You still feel there is untapped or unfulfilled potential lurking inside of you - and it's time for it to come out!

3. You want to fire your boss and be your own boss.

4. You have friends living in far flung places and you want to have the finances, freedom and flexibility to visit them on a whim.

5. You feel the best is yet to come.

6. You work freelance doing something you love - but sometimes work can be sparse or creditors take their time to pay

7. You want to feel inspired and excited and in turn inspire others

8. You have a generous spirit and want to find a way to give generously to causes close to your heart - without relying on sponsorship or fund-raising

9. You wonder how you're ever going to get onto the property ladder or move "up" if you've bought on your own

10. You love your job, love everything about it - but could do with a pay rise!

11. You had the chance to go to university without worrying about incurring a great debt - you'd like your children to have the same chance - who wants to start their working life thousands of pounds in debt?

12. You want your dream life-style to actually be your life-style

13. You sometimes find yourself worrying about a pension (and your lack of one)

14. You dream of living a life split between two places (like London and Ibiza) but as you're not independently wealthy yet, you need to find something that gives you the freedom, finances and flexibility to do so

15. Your career demands you work long hours but frankly you'd rather spend more time with your family and friends

16. You'd love to work for yourself but the thought of going it alone is nerve-racking

17. You sometimes think "is this it?"

18. You're going to lose the child support and want to find a way to replace it

19. You want to work from home, part-time, in hours you choose AND earn a six-figure income but wonder if that's actually possible?

20. You're bored or feeling a bit stuck and wonder "what now?"

21. You want your children to know financial independence, not live in a world of debt (gift them an Arbonne business on their 18th birthday)

22. You gave up a successful career to raise a family but would like to put your talents, experience and expertise back into work (that's challenging, fulfilling and fits around family life)

23. You want a better work-life balance, not the constant stress of juggling too many things

24. You're fed up of commuting

25. You followed the traditional "school, university, career, mortgage, even bigger mortgage" path without really thinking if that's what you want to do - until now...

26. You believe life should be spent having fun with the people you most want to be around - including work!

27. It's time for a change....

28. You want to leave a legacy, a life full of love, excitement and adventure!

29. You'd love to travel more, work less

30. You'd love to play more, work less

31. You'd love to (insert word) more, work less

And finally I'm going to leave you with the very wise words of Harvey Mackay:

"If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it"

My Arbonne "Why" has changed dramatically....

When you start an Arbonne business, one of the first things you do is define your "Why" for doing Arbonne. You have to answer the question "What is my dream?" and other questions such as "How much money do I want to make?", "Would I like to be in control of my financial future" and "What will I do with more time?"

For my "dream" I wrote the dream that I've harboured for so many years - to have my own family living in a lovely home full of love, laughter and happiness. I wanted to secure our financial future, the thought of being old and poor just didn't bear thinking about. It's recommended that your "Why" is big, really big, big enough to get you motivated and excited and give you the drive to set up and run a successful (Arbonne) business. I talked about my desire to live between London and Ibiza and the need to find something that offered the freedom, finances and flexibility to make that dream a possibility. At times I questioned having material goals as I'd never done that before, I've never been materialistic although I love beautiful things. The physical things I'd achieved like buying a flat had been the by-product of something much bigger going on inside of me, they had never been the be-all and end-all.

Apart from the family bit (forever elusive), my other goals were all about lifestyle and although yes, I do want a particular lifestyle (who doesn't?), what I found was that instead of being all fired up, I felt like I'd completely lost my drive and direction. A tad frustrating for someone like myself, used to achieving and being successful at whatever I turned my hand to. I could see that Arbonne is an amazing opportunity and I'm lucky enough to be part of the most successful team in the UK with the most fantastic products, training and support - but I just couldn't seem to make it work. Something was missing and that something had to be within me as it certainly wasn't lacking in the products, the network marketing business model and the team.

I kept hunting for whatever it was, kept talking about my desire to live between London and Ibiza and that's why I was doing Arbonne, kept not getting very far. But I've always believed in this opportunity, believed in Arbonne and now that I've got my head around network marketing, am completely committed to that too. But deep down inside I thought my Why was just about me, what I wanted and it all felt a little selfish.

Then a couple of weeks ago I went to a talk by Donna Johnson, an Executive National Vice President with Arbonne and the most successful woman in network marketing - in the world! I listened to her talking, sharing her Arbonne journey with us, the impact it had made on the lives of her family and the people around her. I came away feeling joyful and inspired - here was this incredibly successful businesswoman and yet she was so warm and friendly and approachable. She'd built a multi-million dollar business working part-time in hours that fitted around family life, not the other way around.

As I drove home I chatted excitedly with my friend about how brilliant it was to come across such an inspiring woman, someone who made you feel that anything was possible. It made me think back to the first proper (part-time) job I had and how the management team of Barbara and Graham made me believe I would achieve anything I set my mind to, eventhough I had miserably failed my A levels the previous year and didn't think my life would amount to much. Their words ignited a belief in myself so strong that I pelted through the next two decades achieving lots, doing lots, living life to the fullest - all because they believed in me. Graham passed away earlier this year and to see a full write-up as to how these two people changed my life forever click here

They weren't the only ones to believe in me though. When I worked at Bell Pottinger Consultants, I affectionately referred to Stephen and Graham as my two wise men. When I was made redundant along with 7 other Consultants, they both asked to speak to me before I left. I had no idea what they were going to say and I was slightly stunned when they both said pretty much the same thing - "I have no idea what you're going to do now but I know you will do very well. You can spot someone who has that quality and you have it. You're one of life's winners" - to hear these words from two highly accomplished, successful gentlemen meant more than the redundancy package. Their words gave me hope at an otherwise distressing, traumatic time and maybe it was their words ringing in my ears that helped to make the crazy decision to set up an interiors business even though I had no training, experience or client base. I didn't have just one person saying I would do well, I had two - so why not do something bonkers and risky because you'd do well anyway. If you'd like to see how the interiors business turned out, click here

Ironically once I moved into interiors, I was approached to work on a couple of high-level international relations projects - the Global Leadership Foundation and the British-Ukrainian Society (both times my name had been recommended by Graham) and it was with these two projects that I finally felt a sense of real achievement and fulfilment in my proper "career" job. It was at the British-Ukrainian Society that I had the pleasure of working with Richard Spring and I learnt so much from him, not only the joy of a team working in unison but also about not giving up, never giving up, going forwards, always going forwards and achieving results far greater than you'd ever imagined!

So as I drove home from the talk my thoughts turned to the important people in my world of work, people who had inspired me, believed in me, made me feel that anything was possible. Their belief ignited a self-belief so strong that nothing was going to stand in the way of me finding out exactly what my potential was. I have never forgotten how these people have been a catalyst to the life I've gone on to lead - sometimes I look over my CV and think "you failed your A levels, missed out on university first time round and yet you achieved all of this..." - it has very much been the case of an ordinary person living an extraordinary life.

I believe this is possible for everyone, an amazing life is out there anyone, anyone who has a bit of drive and desire, takes responsiblity for how their life turns out and has a positive frame of mind. Anyone who met me after 1997 might think I'm this person who turns her hand to anything and makes it work out, each time going for bigger and better. But the catalyst for all of this goes back, way back to 1988 just before I turned 19. Barbara and Graham telling me that I would achieve anything I set my mind to was the turning point in my life - I'd fallen off the "traditional" path when I'd failed my A levels but now found myself on another path where anything was possible so long as you believed it was. Their belief in me led to an unconditional offer from another university later that year and that triggered off the whole "international" angle to my life. University was followed by a fantastic job in Japan teaching English and before I returned to the UK, I'd secured a place at the University of Leeds to do a Masters in International Relations. The MA led to a brilliant job in the Foreign Office and after 3 years in the public sector I decided I wanted to move into the private sector and work for a Consultancy.

At that time someone close in my life told me that it would be hard for me to get a job as I was female and 31 and as these were the prime child-bearing years, it would put prospective employers off (yes hard to believe that there are people out there who still hold this kind of view, even more scary to think that this particular person is involved in recruitment for the company he works for). I decided not to listen to his archaic views and went ahead and wrote speculative letters to the top three Consultancies in the country - and was delighted when Bell Pottinger Consultants hired me as a Consultant. I don't think they actually had a position they needed to fill, I think they may just have created something for me. So everything I'd achieved in my life from 18 to 31 could be traced back to Barbara and Graham telling me that I would achieve anything I set my mind to and me deciding to find out what that would mean exactly. My family obviously played a big part too as when you bring into the equation that I'm from a fairly traditional Pakistani muslim family, the life I've led can be seen as quite extraordinary from a normal perspective but from the Pakistani perspective it does go off the scale somewhat! But my dad had spoken some very wise words to me when I was at university. There was the chance to study in America as part of a student exchange, there was only one place available and I decided I wanted to go and I would be the best person for my university to send. When I spoke to my dad about this opportunity, he told me to go for it (or whatever his words would have been in Urdu) - you had to take opportunities whenever they came along as they may never come back again - so I listened to his wise words and just went for it, taking opportunities as they came and creating a few along the way!

So after a bit of thinking and pondering, I've realised that my main "Why" for doing Arbonne is to share with people that anyone can create a truly amazing life and sometimes it just takes another person to have a bit of belief in them and to say "You can do it!" I look back at the amazing things I've done, the wonderful friends I've made along the way and the unforgettable experiences I've had over the last two decades - and so much is because some people believed in me at key points in my life (usually when things had gone drastically wrong). I know that a few words of support, encouragement and belief can literally change a life - that change can be tiny or it can be massive and I really believe that should be for everyone, not just some "lucky" person like myself who happened to be around some life-changing people at various points in time. If I can do it, then anyone can do it - sometimes all it takes is a little nudge, a bit of belief or some positive support and words of encouragement. It's been given to me and it's time to give it back a hundred times over. Now my Arbonne "Why" makes a lot more sense!

As my sponsor Jo said to me "Your Why needs to make you cry"... My "Why" before literally did make me cry as it seemed so utterly elusive and out of reach (I've learnt that there's one thing that really is out of your hands and that's having your own family). My new "Why" also makes me feel very emotional but in a good way. This is my way of saying "thank you" to the people in my life so far who have believed in me, encouraged me, supported me - I'm always amazed that it was literally a few minutes of their time but it has led on to a life for me that many times has made me go "wow!" It's also my way of sharing with everyone that anyone can do anything, so long as they have the right mind set and attitude - I've learnt stacks along the way, from personal experience and also by watching and observing closely those around me who inspire and amaze me - it may be the way they raise their families, how they may be ordinary people who live extraordinary lives or a generosity of spirit that knows no bounds. If I can make a difference in one person's life, if I can instill in someone that sense of "you can achieve anything you set your mind to" then I know my "Why" for doing Arbonne gives me a sense of purpose that fills me with excitement and joy!

Kinesiology - round forty seven....

It's been over four months since I last posted, my only excuse being that things have been quite busy and there have been some interesting, at times hilarious, developments in my life since that last post. My personal life has changed beyond recognition, as has my work life but I'm not going to go into too much detail, particularly about my love life (apart from to say that it's good and fun and I'm happy!) - I want to see how this story falls into place before I talk about it.

Anyway, I thought it a good time to start blogging again as life is on the move - literally. I've moved out of the family home and into a house share a few streets away. I realised that I was living in total chaos and not wanting to be there and this was making it difficult (or near enough impossible) to focus on the Arbonne business in any kind of systematic way. It was all very stop start stop start and I was going nowhere. I knew I needed to get a bit of order in my life before I could focus on Arbonne and so I've moved into a lovely house where my double room includes a desk (which I'm sat at now, overlooking the garden) and an alcove full of shelves for me to get my life back in order. In some ways I'm traumatised by the chaos I was living in as it really did get pretty bad but I think I managed to block it out in some shape or form. I'm curious to see how life feels now going forwards.

I also finished my last lot of supplements for the kinesiology treatment back at the end of January. Although they'd done a remarkable job of tackling the candida that had obviously been causing problems for many years, my hormones still felt a little wonky and my energy levels were still non-existent. It's difficult to gauge how your energy levels are when you're living in an environment you don't want to be in as you're not at optimum state but I also knew that the kinesiology sessions I'd already had just didn't seem to sort out the energy levels. They were brilliant for lots of other things and identified that my energy levels were suffering due to leaky gut and malabsorbtion of nutrients but no matter how many supplements I took, it never seemed to make any difference. It was a little frustrating as it felt like I was making no progress at all even though I was popping pills furiously and could see some amazing results with other areas of my health. Anyway, I made an appointment to see my kinesiologist at Easter time. On the day of the appointment, she texted to say she had flu and would have to cancel. A little while later I tried to make another appointment but it seemed like a series of calamaties had left my kinesiologist unable to practice for a few weeks, or may a few months. I decided that I didn't want my progress held up by what was going on in my kinesiologist's life so I found another kinesiologist who was based locally and went to see her today.

It feels like the candida has returned in some fashion as my lower belly has stopped being as flat as before. And yes, tests showed that it had returned and I was prescribed one of the supplements I'd taken before plus some others that help to elimate the toxins that are produced when you get rid of the candida bacteria. I don't think I had anything like that in the previous session and I'm wondering why? Today's kinesiologist focused on my depleted energy levels by looking at my diet and making some changes that I consider fairly drastic - it was the first time that I actually felt sad and upset by some of the things I have to give up. As well as taking 24 supplements a day and some weird iron drink 3 times a day, I've been told to give up sugar, peanuts, chemical food additives, coffee, coke, alcohol and cow's milk products. Looking at that list, the things I will struggle with the most are deserts, chocolate and dairy products. These are all things that I don't eat excessively but when I do eat them, they give me great pleasure and I'm just not the sort of person who wants to take out the pleasurable things in life - things in moderation are better. However, having spent £120 on a month's worth of supplements I decided that I might as well do this properly instead of wasting the money and not making any progress. And in all fairness when I look at my diet over the last year or so, at times it has been pretty poor. When you're not in control of your own life, you're not in control of what you eat either. I would tend to eat what was available instead of buying and preparing the things I would normally eat. And I'm sure there was some comfort eating going on - lots of coffee, muffins, chocolate, crisps, coke - hmm, maybe this is a good thing that I'm about to embark on what feels like a boot-camp as my diet had slipped into a poor state without me even being aware...

So I went for my last "normal" meal with S today, off to one of our favourite local places for lunch and ate everything that from tomorrow I won't be able to have. I had a tomato, mozzarella and basil ciabatta with a can of coke, followed by a chocolate fairy cake and a coffee - trying to enjoy it all but most of the time thinking what I'd be able to eat now and how much I'd miss enjoying a bit of chocolate when I sat down for half an hour with the Sunday papers. At times today I have toyed with the idea of not bothering with this regime as it just seems too extreme but then I've had to remind myself that over the last few years I've longed to have normal energy levels, trying to imagine a day when I'd wake up and bounce out of bed, ready and raring to go! I'm lucky that my energy levels have never stopped me from doing anything and I come across as quite an energetic person but feeling tired a lot of the time just makes you feel more weary. So instead of baling, I've decided to do this properly and that's why I find myself blogging again. I thought it might make for quite intersting posts if I chart how I feel over the next month or so as I embark on this energy-seeking journey. I thought it would be interesting to track progress and make a note of just how I get on.

So I've prepared for the big day tomorrow by stocking up on some things that I can eat. Even though I can't eat dairy, it's okay for me to eat produce made from ewe's and goat's milk. As I wandered round the supermarket trying to find some viable alternative options for yoghurt, I spied some yoghurt made from goat's milk and another one made from sheep's milk. I plumped for the goat's milk yoghurt even though I convinced myself that it would taste awful. When I got home, I had a quick taste and found it to be absolutely fine - it tasted of the yoghurt that my mum used to make when I was a kid. I think you just imagine that something is going to taste horrible simply because it's not as widely available as the popular choice of milk. So pleased was I to find that goat's milk yoghurt is actually quite lovely that my dinner turned out to be a bowl of chopped bananas and strawberries with sunflower seeds and yoghurt and honey! However, when I was in the health food shop earlier today and I spied some chocolate that was dairy-free, I thought about getting it but decided that I wasn't quite ready to be disappointed by something that doesn't quite come up to scratch with a gorgeous bar of Galaxy!

Right, I've got to go now and prepare all those pesky supplements for tomorrow. It's going to take a while to get my head round what I need to take when as there are so many and I need to make sure that I've got them in a transportable fashion so that I don't wander off without them....

Graham Kerner RIP

I hadn't seen or spoken to Graham in over 20 years but when I read the email last night that Graham had passed away from bowel cancer, an incredible sadness washed over me and I blinked back the tears as I tried to sleep.

Graham Kerner was my first proper boss, way back in the late 80s. I had a part-time job in the Crown and Greyhound in Dulwich Village and six months after starting there, the management changed and we got Graham and his then partner Barbara Haigh as the new management team. The old managers (I can't remember their names) were round and cuddly, the new team were not. Graham reminded me of a proper East End wide boy, I don't know if he came from the East End, maybe Bermondsey, and I'd never met a proper East End wide boy but in my mind, that's what Graham was. He looked like Burt Reynolds and seemed like such a grown-up, although he was 34 which I think is very young now. Barbara was a former Playboy Bunny, statuesque and imposing and suddenly at the age of 17, they were my bosses. I was petrified of them at first although they did bring a West End glamour to what had been a very quaint pub in the heart of Dulwich Village.

As I worked in the restaurant, I worked more closely with Barbara as Graham ran the bar. I worked the daytime shift on Saturdays and Sundays and made endless rounds of sandwiches for the punters. Barbara started a Sunday roast and before long, word had spread that the best roast in London could be found at the "Dog" and we'd have a queue forming long before the doors opened at midday. At the tender age of 17, I found myself tasked with making sure everything in the restaurant was ready for service as Barbara would be busy cooking up a storm in the kitchen upstairs, coming down just before midday, knives sharpened and ready to carve up huge joints of meat. I would be stationed right next to her, taking the plates from her and adding vegetables and roast potatoes. It was non-stop for three hours and I kept an eye on things, making sure we didn't run out of anything during service.

The year after Barbara and Graham started running the Dog, I took my A levels and failed miserably. Apart from failing my driving test the previous year, I'd never failed at anything and as my academic disaster was completely my own fault, I experienced what it was like to mess things up and know it was down to you. I hated that feeling and vowed never to go there again. But although academically I was floundering, I was a good employee at the Dog and in the world of work seemed to do okay. I know it's not much, a part-time job to see you through your A level years, but I learnt a lot about how to operate in the work environment, about being professional and reliable and responsible - all things that are essential if you want to succeed in life. Barbara took me under her wing (I'd stopped being scared of her quite quickly) and taught me loads about working in a restaurant and how to do things properly. Apparently Playboy had incredibly high standards and these stayed with Barbara after she left so I lucked out and got some excellent training. Even at home, I still clear plates the way Barbara taught me, a plate in your left hand to scrape leftovers onto, the forks facing forwards, the knives all tucked under the forks and the rest of the plates piled up on your left arm.

The year of the disastrous A levels, I started saving for a car. I'd passed my driving test second time round and my dad had said he'd buy me a small car as he'd done the same for my older sister a few years earlier. The only problem was that my dad wanted to get a non-descript Nissan and I wanted a Volkswagen Beetle. My dad said he wouldn't get me a Beetle and I didn't want the Nissan so I decided to buy the Beetle myself. It was the days before bank cards and if I wanted money, I'd cash a cheque at the bank or sometimes at the Dog. As my cheque book was the only way to get hold of money and I needed to save for the car, I had my cheque book locked in the safe at the Dog with Barbara and Graham under strict instructions not to give me the cheque book until I was ready to buy the car.

The following year, a few weeks shy of my 19th birthday, I asked for the cheque book as I was just about to buy a car. I'd found a bright red VW Beetle 1303S, registration CBO 601L and had promptly fallen in love with it and decided it had to be mine. Cheque book reclaimed I purchased my first car and drove to the Dog bursting with pride! I think Barbara and Graham was equally proud of this achivement and they said something to me that still rings in my ears today. They told me that I would achieve anything I set my mind to, anything at all. I don't know what they saw in me but they saw something, maybe some potential and they said those words that really did change my life. Up til then, I'd spent most of my life in the shadow of my brainy, beautiful, sporty, musical older sister, the one who was going to become a doctor, the one who was going to make my dad's dream come true. As she'd taken up the post of the golden child, there wasn't much left for me apart from ugly duckling rebel and this role I seemed to fulfil without even trying very hard.

I'd been unhappy about the crappy comprehensive I got sent to at the age of 11 and forced my parents to let me going on a sporting holiday for a week in the summer holidays after the first year. I spent a week riding and playing squash and although I was happy to let the squash slide (I think accidently whacking my best friend Claire in the face with the squash racquet might have had something to do with this...), I was hooked on the riding and insisted on carrying on riding at Dulwich Riding School once I was back. Within the Pakistani community I'm sure this was frowned upon, it's not a very Pakistani thing to do but I carried on. This soon turned into working at the riding school as a working pupil and even when word reached my grandmother in Pakistan (via an aunt who'd decided it was disgraceful the amount of time I spent outside of the home) and an angry letter came from my Grandmother to my dad, insisting I gave up riding, I still persisted.

Even though I was the rebel in the family I felt like I was a nobody and a nothing. In your teenage years, it's mainly about academic success and the things I enjoyed and excelled at were frowned upon, things seen to embarrass the family, not things to be proud of. But saying that, my family were great and supportive and would come to any shows I entered - there was a big crowd of them present at the show where my horse reared up as soon as we got into the ring, fell backwards, I fell off and the horse galloped off, defying anyone to catch him again.

Anyway, after failing my A levels I felt horrendous and had no idea what was going to become of my life. The one thing I realised very quickly with the failure was that no-one was going to pick me up and sort things out for me. If I ended up in the gutter, it was up to me to get myself out and make something of my life. So long as there was a doctor in the family, it felt a bit like it didn't really matter what happened to the other three. I felt like I could be brilliant too, just like my older sister but it wasn't going to be academic brilliance and I didn't know that any other kind of brilliance existed. Somewhere deep down inside, I thought I could have a special life, an amazing life, a life that I'd look back on and be proud of but when you feel like a nothing and a nobody, that feeling of what you might be gets tucked away somewhere very deep inside.

So, when Barbara and Graham said those words to me, told me that I would achive anything I set my mind to, something inside of me came alive. I wasn't entirely sure what they could see but belived that they could see something, even if I couldn't and decided to take their word for it. If they belived it, then I could believe it too! I think it was Graham who suggested I look at doing hotel and catering at university, not the original Psychology I'd applied for. Once again, not the best career choice for a muslim Pakistani girl, my mum made me feel like working in the hotel and catering industry was just one notch up from being a lady of the night, it wasn't work to be proud of, it wasn't work to impress your social circle with but I still went ahead and did it. I applied to the University of Brighton and although I still didn't have the grades they wanted, I'd decided that's where I wanted to go and that's where I would go. By that time, I was working full-time in a restaurant (had a year out before university) but would still do the Sunday lunchtime shift at the Dog, so attached I was to the place and the people. The manager at the new restaurant had said I wouldn't get into Brighton because of my grades but Barbara and Graham's belief in me had ignited a fairly fierce belief in myself and I proved him wrong. I might not have had the grades but I wowed them with the interview and go an unconditional offer.

I went off to the University of Brighton in September 1989, all my worldly possessions packed in my bright red Beetle. By this time both Barbara and Graham had moved on from the Dog, moved on personally as a couple and gone their separate ways to run different pubs. Just before I went to university would have been the last time I saw Graham but I kept in touch with Barbara and she would fill him in on what I was up to.

Now when I look back over the last 20 years, I'm amazed by what I've done and achieved. Sometimes I look at my CV and think "you failed your A levels, you should never have done the things you have done". I've lived and worked overseas, most notably 3 years teaching English in Japan. I've got a Masters in International Relations and spent 3 years working at the Foreign Office where I helped to organise a massive press conference for Bill Clinton and Tony Blair, amongst other things. I got the top communications consultancy to create a job for me when I wrote them a spec letter, I've worked with Presidents and politicians, I've had the balls to set up my own business in something I'd never done before but believed I could. The last 20 years, although at times random and seemingly unconnected, were all triggered by two people's belief in me and their words of wisdom and encouragement that I could do anything I set my heart on. Funnily enough, I never went into the world of hospitality after university but my time at Brighton set off it's own chain of events, I got to live and work overseas, make some friends who will be with me for my lifetime and fall truly, madly, deeply in love for the first time whilst on a work placement overseas.

Graham, I know you're no longer with us but from your place as a twinkling star in the sky, I hope you can see this and see just how much difference your words, your belief, your encouragement made to my life, particularly at a time when I wasn't sure I'd amount to much at all. Maybe somewhere deep down inside I might have believed a miracle was possible but it was buried too far away for it to resonate at all. You and Barbara made me believe anything was possible and I took your words and ran with it - your words still ring in my ears today. I wish I'd been able to tell you all of this while you were still alive but I know what I'm like, I'd never have been able to express it without getting choked with emotion but at least I can write it. Thank you to both you and Barbara for being undoubtedly the best bosses I've ever worked for, thank you for everything you taught me but most of all, thank you for your words. They may only have been a few words but they changed a life and for that I will be eternally grateful. We may not have been in touch over the last 20 years but I have always carried you and Barbara in my heart, you've always been there on the adventures and I have never forgetten, will never forget the profound impact you both had on my life in my gangly late teenage years!

Anonymous posters....

Although this blog is in the public domain, for all intents and purposes it's private. People don't stumble across it when doing a Google search (unless of course they're putting my name into Google) and the only people who know of it would be people who know me. I generally know who reads my blog, who knows about it. However twice I've had some pretty nasty comments left by anonymous posters - the first time it happened, I left it up there. The second time, last week, I decided against allowing the comment but thought I'd write about it here instead.

You see, what my anonymous posters don't know is that my blog is pretty much private and if anyone leaves nasty comments, even if they don't have the balls to attach their name to them, I know immediately who it is. Both times it's happened, the guilty person has flashed into my mind while I've read the comments and although I won't name them here, I will refer to them as MK and HR. "How can you be so sure?" you may be thinking. Well, both have done things in the past which makes it very easy to work out who the coward is hiding behind the anonymous nastiness. HR questioned whether I suffer from NPD. I had no idea what NPD was, put it into Google but that only came up with New Product Development and I don't think I suffer from that. HR is someone who likes to read alot about personality disorders, talks about narcissists, I can only imagine it's something to do with that. But by using the term NPD, really gave yourself away you silly cow! Funny thing is, even before any of this happened, I had thought to myself that HR reminds me of MK and their actions show them to be even more similar, not just in their lives but in their behaviour. Also, the comments they made, the things that seemed to piss them off so much, well these were the same things they'd got pissed off about before....

Both have sent me some pretty strong nasty emails in the past. The thing with sending something like this is that you see what someone's style is, what gets them, what language they use. I'm very lucky in that I don't really have shit people in my life so when anyone gets horrible and angry, they are in a tiny minority and they stick out like sore thumbs. Obviously I don't really have anything to do with people when they behave like this but they still seem to like to see what I'm up to. Both have had certain expectations of me (that I've not known about) and then got incredibly upset when I haven't behaved in the way that was expected. Personally I think they over-react, maybe they just get upset that I don't care for them the way I might do for others....

The similarities continue between the two. I'd describe both as having a victim mentality, their lives are car-crash horrors and both choose to use the very public face of the internet to share their woes with the world. I've read stuff that they've both written and cringed in embarrassment on their behalf - at times it's been excrutiating, reading how bad their lives are, how abysmally they've been treated, the shit that continues. Both seem to be angry about stuff, both have suffered physical abuse at the hands of partners.

The latest anonymous comment in response to my post "Numb" went like this:
"If you weren't so horribly self absorbed maybe you'd have brain space to think about how your mother feels rather than how you feel. You you you! Ever considered you suffer from NPD?

Well, anonymous poster 2 (HR), let me discuss here. I re-read the post to see what I'd written and it talked about my parents deteriorating health more than anything else. Obviously I'd written about my reaction to it all (going completely numb when I went into auto-pilot) but I'm not in the head of anyone else, I can't write about how anyone else is feeling, only what I'm feeling. I'm not a journalist, it's not for me to try and prise out how my mum is feeling but it is for me to be there in the hospital when she's needed her family around her for support. No I don't know exactly how my mum feels but she probably doesn't either. Even if she does, having spent a lifetime hiding her feelings away, I'm not sure she'd even have the language to express how she's feeling. But this much I know, she has been petrified and this I have seen etched in her face as we've sat for hours in hospital waiting rooms, passing away the time, waiting for a diagnosis that took weeks to come. I've been sat next to her and heard her saying prayers in Arabic under her breath, praying that everything will be fine. After she had the bone marrow biopsy, I was on one side of her hospital bed, my dad on the other, both holding her hands because that is what she needed at that moment, that is what she wanted. I was in the room when the consultant finally said the words that we'd all been dreading, that she has cancer and would need chemotherapy.

So HR, anonymous poster 2 (you know who you are and so do I) - you may not like me but frankly I don't care. However, you have proved yourself to be a pretty low-level human being for leaving nasty comments at a very difficult time for my family and me. My mum has just been diagnosed with cancer and you write things like this? The level of hatred in your heart is alarming but I think I've said that to you in the past anyway. To leave them anonymously shows you to be a spineless pathetic coward, if you think all these things about me, have the balls to say them to my face (well at least post under your name). You are a sad, pathetic, lonely individual and if I ever see you, well I think I may just laugh at you. I am lucky not to have a life like yours...