Carrying on where I left off

The other day I started writing about my "turning 40 angst" but I got carried away writing about life in my twenties and that was lots of fun and I ended up writing loads so I didn't talk about what's going on right now.

It's true, I am experiencing some angst about that big birthday looming up. Up til now my life makes so much sense but I'm completely baffled as to how the family thing hasn't happened when it's something I'd really love to have. In fact, some of my earliest memories are being aware of how things were at home and thinking "when I have my family I'm going to do things differently". Don't get me wrong, my parents are wonderful people and I love them dearly but when it came to raising children, I'm not sure they gave much thought to how you go about raising children. I'm sure lots of people bring children into this world without giving it much thought, to consider what sort of environment they would like to raise their children in and then create that environment.

Maybe it was because I was a sensitive child, prone to feeling things around me. Coupled that with a pondering mind and you get a child like me. I don't think my sisters were like this because some of the things that I mention, they've been oblivious to. I can see hints of it in my nephew Adil. Once when we were talking, I asked him what he'd like to do when he grew up. He told me that he'd like to be an artist (he is exceptionally gifted already) and sell his paintings in the park but only on weekdays. I asked him what he'd do at the weekend then and he said "I'd spend weekends with my family". I shot a glance at my sister to find out what he meant by that. My sister told me that often she has to work on Saturdays (she's a doctor) and the children don't like it, they want her to be there with them. Instead of moaning or complaining or throwing a tantrum, Adil had worked out a solution for how he'd do something when he grew up, based on how he saw things as a child. That's how I was too.

My adult life has been driven by the desire to get to that place I'd want to be when I was raising a family. It's as much about feeling comfortable with myself and who I am as a person and where I've got to in life before embarking on motherhood. I've got to the place I'd want to be, I didn't give up halfway along because I couldn't be bothered or didn't want to put the effort in. But I wonder if the whole family thing will happen? I'm baffled by the thought that it might not? I'm not sure how that is possible and I'm not prepared to give up the dream but you do think at what point do you go "ok, this isn't going to happen, time to let it go". I believe in the natural laws of the universe and I've seen so many things slot into place in my life but sometimes I do find myself wondering "is the universe so cruel that it would give me everything but deny me the thing I want most?" And my answer is always no, the world just doesn't work like that.

The other thing with always believing that I would one day have a family is that I haven't really thought what I want to do with my life if there isn't a family to take care of, to nurture, to love. How do I fill my time if I always thought that by a certain point, a large chunk of it would be taken up looking after my little family? What do you do if your childhood dream has been about the family you will have and how you will raise them but maybe that dream isn't going to happen? And all your subsequent dreams have been fulfilled? I was on a mission to get to a place where all my boxes had been ticked before a family came on the scene. I've got to that place, what do I do now? If I've got at least twenty years of full-time work ahead of me, what do I want to do? Last year working at the Society got me to a place where I thought "wow, if I never go any higher than this, that's fine by me - this is an amazing place to be". It's a great vantage point to start a family from as you don't have that nagging feeling that you never got to the place you thought you could get to because you had a child and took time out to raise your family.

For anyone reading this who doesn't know me, I think I better add in that I haven't delayed starting a family due to chasing a career dream. I just haven't met the right person. The last time I fell in love, I thought he was the one, I think for a time he did too. For four years I held on to the belief that he was the person for me, but our timing was off as we were both going through a process of turning our lives around to simultaneously get them to a point where we could live together in harmony. Then one evening we were talking, my candle for him still burning bright, and he said a few things that made me think "oh my god, he can't even look after himself, how can he look after me?" Bizarre thing to feel for someone as independent as myself but there you go, that's what I felt. I had this weird sensation that he wasn't "big" enough for me which is a strange thing to feel. I think it was something to do with our different approaches to life. I might be scared stiff about doing something but I will still dive in and do it. He seemed to be scared of life. Deep down inside I think he always knew it, always knew he would never get to that place he was trying to get to. I believed that he would but maybe all along he knew differently. But I've got to give it to him, he tried damn hard and I really thought he'd get there but it just didn't happen. He is a beautiful, gentle cheeky soul who I loved tremendously but that night my candle flickered and went out. And since then, I've not met anyone who I have that connection with. Actually, that's a lie, I have met some where the connection is there but the circumstances are not conducive to anything.

Anyway, there you go, a little about my angst. I think one of the underlying factors behind the email I sent yesterday is the thought in my head that if I don't have my own family and it's going to be mainly about work, I need to feel challenged and fulfilled and as if I am constantly achieving. I don't really have anywhere to go, I've got to wherever I needed to get to but I get very bored if I'm not challenged and I don't do mundane and boring! And I've hurtled along at quite a pace over the last two decades, packing in stacks. Sometimes I feel a bit tired so to maintain the momentum, I need to be incredibly excited about the work I'm doing, it's got to be something that gets my adrenaline going. So lots and lots of things whirling around in my head but you know the funny thing, I still believe it will happen. I still believe that my little dream of that someone special and me, living in our house full of love, laughter and happiness with a few little ones (and maybe some cats and possibly a dog) will still happen. And wow, how amazing will that be when it does happen!

Now I've got to turn my thoughts to organising the party for the big day! It's going to be special - and I get to celebrate it twice. On the day in London and then probably the week after in Ibiza. It's the same day that the Bali project opens, I was told I could celebrate my birthday in Bali but I would have been working and no doubt it would have been stressful and I'd already decided I wanted to celebrate with all my loved ones! I don't work on my birthday!

PS - I was talking to someone yesterday who'd just turned 30. I asked him if he'd had any "turning 30 angst" and he said yes. Then he said "I guess it's not something you're worrying about just yet" - he thought I was a 20-something. When I told him I was a few months off from turning 40, he went "oh my god, you've got menopause coming up!" Well thanks! There's me worrying about if I'm going to have children and he comes out with something like that. Anyway, how can someone like me who still looks about 12 even consider something like menopause, it's an eternity away!