My take on internet dating

Some more of my musings on Myspace, this time on internet dating. I tried it for a few months but it didn't work for me as I'm still single. However, I did make one wonderful friend Wilding and we remain great friends - he's one of the few people I know who is off really chasing a dream and a long-cherished desire so we always compare notes on how we getting on with our respective leaps of faith! So if the only thing that internet dating gave me was Wilding, it was a resounding success! Written on the 9th October 2006.

The etiquette of internet dating

Although I said I'd never do it, I have just dabbled in internet dating. It's actually been quite amusing - so I thought I'd bring some hints and tips for anyone considering it, plus my own experience of it.

First things first, even though I was very reluctant to even consider it, it's been an interesting experience. Always thought that internet dating sites would be full of sad loser desperate types. Of course, they are out there but I was pleasantly surprised at how many really interesting people were on the site. Does depend on which one you look at - I reckon the best site for like-minded people is the Guardian one - match.com has far too many boring, average types for my liking!

The other thing I struggled with is that the two times I've met people and fallen in love, it's been a very random thing. Call it serendipity or fate or whatever but it's not something I've gone out looking for, it's just happened. And I'm not sure it's something you can make happen. It's very easy to go out with someone just for the sake of going out with someone, it's far more rare to meet someone who really makes you go "wow" and fall over. But I know it does happen!

In true Azra style, once I got over my great reluctance, I was very excited about the whole thing and being the eternal optimist, had visions of meeting all these amazing boys who'd naturally all become my new-found best friends. And there'd be a really special one who I'd live happily ever after with. In fact I was so excited putting my profile together over the August Bank Holiday that I forgot to go to carnival! But I always go to carnival and it appears I was missed - it was a bit embarrassing mumbling something about not being up for it when people asked where I'd got to, when in fact I'd been fabricating a profile for myself and hanging out on an internet dating site.

My first conversation was great! I think he just couldn't resist my conversation starter "People born in 1969 are generally unforgettable characters. Discuss" . Obviously he was born in 1969 and I was gently blowing my own trumpet because so am I! I tried this line on a few other people but it didn't work so well - possibly because they weren't born in 1969.

Our conversation went back and forth over a couple of evenings, covering loads of different topics and there seemed to be a real rapport. And he soon very gently suggested meeting up - for tea and cake and plotting against Tony Blair (don't worry, he's not some crazy fundamentalist). Now tea and cake might not sound very exciting but I actually prefer the non-date thing. Takes the pressure off me - I don't like going on dates - they make me squirm. I get very flustered trying to work out if I fancy someone (which usually means I don't) - and it's very awkward if they like you and it's not reciprocated (more on this later).

Only trouble was that you can only really do tea and cake in the afternoon. And that means at the weekend. Neither of us was free for a couple of weekends. In which time something must've happened (like he fell in love with someone else) because he forgot all about tea and cake with me. Oh dear!

Now I'm not sure what correct internet dating etiquette is but I'm not doing very well. On the Guardian site, people will become a "fan" of yours but never email you. I liken that to someone admiring you from a distance but never having the balls to come up and talk to you. I think people do that in the hope you're so delighted you have some fans that you instigate the conversation. I tend to ignore my fans unless they have a really interesting profile (and are not mingers).

Right, I'm going to come back and write some more later but now I need to sleep.

Internet Dating - Part 2

Back to the etiquette of internet dating. So I've talked about fans - I have yet to become a fan of someone without sending them a message. Just figure that if someone looks interesting, you might as well send them a sparkly conversation starter based on something you've read on their profile, not apply the wallflower approach. If anyone makes the effort of emailing me, even if I think "no I don't think so", I'll still be polite enough to email back as I think it's rude just to ignore someone. However, there was one man "blackenuf" who emailed me, saying how he'd seen my photo and wanted to get to know me more. Now the strange laws of attraction have meant that I've never really been attracted to people from ethnic minorities, although I myself am an ethnic one. And the clue's in the name as to the ethnic make-up of blackenuf. I had a quick look at his profile and he kept going on about the state of his teeth and how he was going to get something done about them and I thought "I don't know how to say no so I'm going to say nothing".

Now although I'm quite polite and will always email someone who contacts me even if I'm not interested, this is not always the case. I've sent messages to people (usually some witty one-liner based on their profile) and you get ignored. The real-life equivalent of this would be making the effort to go up and say hello to someone, to have them look you up and down and then turn round and walk off. I've never actually had this happen but can only imagine it would be awful. It seems to be quite acceptable on the internet but I still think it's a bit rude.

The Guardian site has a top 20 of the most popular profiles (ie the people who've been contacted the most). I've never made it on there but most of the girls are pretty blonde things who look like they probably work in fluffy PR and live in Clapham - no real chance for me then! Amongst the men in the top 20 are a few who've contacted me via email, I've replied and then I've been ignored. This leads me to believe it's a game of tactics with these particular gents - email as many girls as possible, they'll usually politely email back even if not interested - and that makes said-gent look incredibly popular with the ladies and make it in to the top 20.

There are also those conversations that go back and forth via email. It's nice enough but not really setting your world alight. The real-life equivalent would be finding yourself at a party where you're talking to someone - and you can keep the conversation going - but there's no real connection and secretly you're thinking "hmm how do I get away without looking rude as I feel a bit bored". On the internet it seems ok to just stop talking and wander off, don't think it would be quite so good in real life!

It can be quite amusing reading other people's profiles. I'll often glance at other girls profiles to see what they've written (particularly the ones in the top 20 to see if I can get some tips) - and they're probably wondering why some girl's checking them out. Some profiles are quite unimginative - and you find yourself wondering if they're like that in real life. One that made me laugh was a woman who said "I am very good company and have a zest for life. I love to travel - and am interested in almost everything." Can you really be interested in almost everything? Surely that's not possible - you'd have to spend all your time keeping up with all the things you interested in and you'd never have time to meet people. Maybe that's why she ended up on the internet - she just doesn't have the time to actually leave her house! Her ideal partner would be handsome and completely self-sufficient. Wouldn't most men describe themselves like that (apart from blackenuf who said he was struggling when it came to money).

Always interesting to see how people rate themselves when it comes to looks. Most people describe themselves as attractive - I had to tick that box as there wasn't one that said "drop dead gorgeous". But some people do tick the "very attractive" box. I think this should be reserved for model-types. Some of the very attractive people maybe shouldn't have ticked that box but you've got to admire them for it - at least they love themselves and don't have any issues with poor self-image.

Right, that's part 2 finished. Part 3 will actually cover some dates (yes there have been some) but it's time to get on with some work now.