Paris

I was listening to the Friendly Fires album last night and on there is a song called "Paris". It took me back to 1992 and the time I lived close enough to Paris to make regular visits. It was a special time, a magical time, not only because Paris is such a beautiful city but also because I fell in love for the first time then.

The wonderful thing about falling in love for the first time is that you really have no idea how it's going to feel until it happens. You have no idea how you're going to act or behave, the sides of your personality you'll see that you've never seen before. This much I know though, falling in love really does feel like you're falling, uncontrollably, giddily, wonderfully, happily falling.....

I think what made it all the more special was the fact that I thought I had been in love before. I'd known James since I was 17, we'd been best friends and he'd been amazing at a particular time in my life. I have many fond memories of a wonderful friendship. But we made the mistake of going out. I think it was a knee-jerk reaction on his part to my announcement that I was going to study in the States. Suddenly we were an item when in previous discussions, we'd decided to just be friends. It was very serious very quickly. I thought I was in love, I think he did too. But deep down inside, something just didn't feel right. I couldn't put my finger on it but something felt wrong. I went off to America and once there, we got more and more serious and decided to get married. But all the time, I had that horrible gnawing feeling inside of me that something was just not right. And the worst thing about going out with your best friend? When you need to talk about things like this, you can no longer talk to your best friend. At the end of my time in the States, I came back to London. On the one hand I was delighted to see him, on the other hand I felt scared and nervous and apprehensive but I didn't know why. We made plans to get married, set a date for the muslim wedding and then he met someone else. It broke my heart and it felt like my whole world had just crumbled to pieces and my dad threatened to kill him if he ever saw him again! I think it really upset my dad as he saw his strong, fiercely independent daughter fall to pieces in his arms, my mum could cry with me, my dad couldn't.

Anyway, about eight months later I went off to France on a work placement for university, still nursing a bruised heart and wondering why it had all happened. I was shy and quiet and kept myself to myself in the chateau where I was working. One evening I was sat on my own in the staff cafe, head engrossed in a book. D also worked at the chateau and walked past me. I think he felt sorry for me, sat there all on my own, no doubt looking a bit forlorn. He was on his way to Paris to meet friends for a drink and to play pool. He invited me along and I happily said yes as I've always loved Paris (well ever since I first visited when I was 16).

We went to Paris and played pool and on the drive back to the chateau we got talking, really talking. We were so engrossed in our conversation that once we pulled into the chateau car park, we sat there for another couple of hours continuing the conversation. I have no idea what exactly we talked about but I remember for the first time in my life feeling like I'd just met someone I really, truly connected with. There were similarities in our personalities, we looked at the world and dealt with things in the same way. Although our childhoods were different, there were things that felt the same, particularly the way we looked at things. I was reading a lot of books on the world and how it works trying to gain some understanding, he was reading the same books in French! I came away reeling, thinking "we've got to go out again" - I think I forced him into asking me out on a date (unheard of for me) as he was being fairly nonchalant about the whole thing, very galllic!

We went out on a date and very quickly ended up falling crazily, madly head over heels in love. I realised that I had never fallen in love with James because it had never come anywhere close to what I was feeling then. There was a joyful magic in seeing yourself falling in love, seeing the person that you are when it happens. I thought I'd behave in a particular way, cool and independent - I couldn't have been more wrong but it felt fine! We had a magical, special few months together, with numerous trips to Paris. We'd wander for hours through the city, hand in hand, dropping into cafes along the way. I remember running through the rain, I think we were on the way to a party at someone's house. And I remember a particularly romantic date in the most unromantic of places - McDonalds on the Champs Elysee. Maybe in Paris, everything takes on a romantic glimmer.....

It's been over six years since I last visited the beautiful city. The next time I fall in love I'm going to whisk that special person straight over to Paris!